Love notes

A few weeks ago, I saw a Facebook post suggesting that beginning on February 1st, and going up through Valentine's Day, one should write a note to each of their children telling them what he or she loves about them.  I thought this would be a fabulous exercise for myself, helping my children to feel loved, and helping myself remember many of their best qualities, so I decided to go for it.  On day 1, after I had written and delivered everyone's notes to their doors, I thought of my Gideon.  I wanted a way to include him too, so I decided to write him tiny notes, and stick them to his picture.  He was, by far, the hardest, because sticking notes to his picture, instead of his door, was NOT what I ever wanted.  The first few days, I cried as I wished for the chance to put these on his door, to read them to him, and to know more about him, so I'd have more to say.  Looking at his picture daily, and searching for things I could say about how/why I love him when I only got to spend such a short time with him was very difficult, but it was also very therapeutic.  Many of the things I love about him are the changes he has brought into my life.  He helped strengthen my marriage, my faith, and my resolve to be a better person.  I love all those things about him.  

One of my most treasured memories is of singing to him with my other children.  All his vitals were constantly being monitored; his little lungs were very underdeveloped.  Consequently, he needed a very high concentration of oxygen to keep himself at the right amount of saturation.  Except when we sang to him, his O2 would peak, and they'd have to turn it down.  Something about music... I love that I have that memory.  And I love that there is a musical connection between us.

On the first few days, my kids were not really smitten with their love notes.  "What is this?" and weird looks were mostly how they were received.  After about 5 days, they started reminding me if the notes weren't put up by late afternoon.  When I told them that today was going to be the last day of notes, they were all shocked.  My 6 year old wants me to keep going "at least until the day after Thanksgiving"....I told him that we would run out of wall space.  I am grateful for this chance I got to dig deep inside myself, to pay attention and search for the gifts that each of my children have been blessed with, to really observe them and the way I feel about them, and to share it with them.  It took a long time to cut and write their notes, and I did miss one day (being completely honest and keeping it real for those who fall short like myself), but I'm so glad I took the time to reach out to each of my family members this way, even my husband and my son who isn't here to read the notes.  He'd be 2 and a half now and I know I'd love and enjoy him so much.

  My biggest hope for these love notes to my children and spouse was that they'd feel loved and special, and I think that it was a success.  My biggest hope for myself is that I'd be able to remember and put into words many of the different ways that each of these special people have blessed my life, and reasons I love them, and that it would enlarge my heart, and I think that worked too.  Happy Valentines Day, I hope everyone has the chance to feel loved and special today and every day, and also that everyone has the chance to notice, appreciate, and share those observations with the treasured ones in their lives.

I'm a dreamer--Invitation to ALL

My heart has been permanently changed.  Losing a child has left me with some long-term sensitivities that will most likely never leave me.  (I can't say 100% for sure that they'll never leave, because although I love to share my--cough cough--abundance of wisdom, I don't pretend to be able to read the future, not even my own.)   I know that I do not understand what other people have experienced, that I can not ever fully comprehend their circumstances, and I know that I should not judge them, or assume that I know what they are going through.  I have ultimate respect for moments that are treasured and used wisely, and I am dreadfully disappointed by wasted time.  I believe time is wasted with any moment that we use to tear others down or create barriers, partly because I have had the privilege of spending time with a tiny human being who never uttered an unkind word or syllable during his life, and who never will.  I have been blessed by people who didn't judge me in my tough times, and I have been very hurt by people who have made unkind, rude comments or judgments that they had no business making.

These sensitivities have led me to discover a hope for a better world, as well as a disappointment with the one in which I now exist.  I want to see people build each other up, not tear each other down.  I love to see strangers give positive words to each other, and I want to see more people restrain themselves and refrain from insults and injury to other human beings.  I know and expect that everyone will not agree.  Diversity and differences are a beautiful part of the world we live in, and I fully respect everyone's right to disagree, but I want to be part of a world where we can actually agree to disagree, and do so agreeably.

When I shared these sentiments a few days ago on my Facebook page, a family member of mine told me that I am living in a dream world, and that he wished we all did.  For some reason, that comment has reverberated in thoughts from the first moment I read it.

The first thing it reminded me of is a favorite scripture of mine (from the Book of Mormon) Ether 12:4  Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.

I have loved this scripture since I was a teenager.  I love that entire chapter, it is one of my top 5 favorites in all of the scriptures.  To paraphrase and make it personal: I believe in God, and that faith inspires me to hope for a better world, one where more people believe in Him and try to be like Him.  This desire for a better world helps me to do good, helps me to be sure and steadfast, and helps me to glorify God, and it's all true.  I am a dreamer, I am a hopeful person, I believe the world can and should be a much better place.

I could list an overwhelming amount of scriptures that talk about hope and faith, because they are two principles that are so relevant to life.  I hope for a better world.  I have faith in the resurrection, which gave me hope when my heart was so broken as we learned that our son was most likely not going to live, and my hope made that desperate situation much less miserable.  My hope is so robust that it might be called "lively hope" as Peter called it in 1 Peter 1:3.  And my hope HAS to be strong, or else the misery and disappointment would be the primary players on the stage of my heart.  I want other people to have a sense of love, faith, and hope that is able to help them to get through their hard times, like the hope in my heart helps me get through my own.

I'm a dreamer.  Another thought I had after reading the aforementioned comment was a poem from Shel Silverstein (I LOVE HIS SENSE OF HUMOR!!)

I am totally a dreamer.  I hope.  I pray.  I FEEL God's love when I pray, and I've been guided through tough times by His inspiration after prayers.  To some people, that might equate with buying magic beans, but for me, the hope I have gets me through every day.   (And it's OK with me if you don't agree with me about believing in God--we can still be friends.) I never want to be the person that damages another person's hope, their sense of humanity, their belief that they are a good, capable person.  I don't want to insult someone, and make them believe they are anything less than a special child of God.  So if you're a dreamer, this is an invitation for you.

It's not too late to resolve to "break" the status-quo.  Who cares if it's January 13th, and not January 1st?  I can decide to make a change ANY time.  I'm not going to try to weight lift this year, I'm going to "people lift".  I have begun building my "dream world", and I'm inviting anyone else around me to do the same.  Life is too short to waste on waiting for a special set date at which I will try to change the way I post and the way I comment, or to encourage others to focus on positivity.  Nobody knows how much time they really have (we were given only a few days with our son--that's it).  So don't waste it.  It doesn't take a huge amount of preparation to have a special moment where you lift someone up.  I'm going to start lifting today.

The best gift I ever got for Christmas

Sometimes, my learning journey may teach me something I already know, in a new, deeper way.  The last few years of my life, since Gideon died, have definitely been just that for me.  

The Christmas just after his death, I strongly suspected that I was pregnant again.  I could have taken an early pregnancy test to find out, but I was already fairly certain that God and Gideon had teamed up to send me something that they knew would help bring healing to my heart, and a way for Gideon to send hugs from heaven.  2 days after Christmas, I knew for sure that we were expecting a baby.  She has truly brought so much goodness and love into our home, and we appreciate her so much more after losing a baby.  What a wonderful Christmas present our rainbow baby has been.

My heart still aches to hold my son, the holiday season is still one of the harder times of year because I want my family to all be together during the holidays, and I have yearned to be able to give to my Gideon like I can give to my other children.  I have started crying right in the middle of Christmas shopping, because I wished I could buy presents for him.  The only gifts I can possibly give him now are gifts that can't be bought.

I have thought a lot about these gifts that can't be bought lately: love, devotion, service, quality time, memories, health, family, forgiveness, life.  I have been given a lot of gifts.  Our energetic, hug-and-kiss-filled young daughter has helped us to give those gifts that we wanted to give so badly to the son we lost.  We love sharing these gifts with her, and we love that she shares those same gifts with us.   Last week, I had concluded that she was the best Christmas present I ever got.

Then I took it one step further.  I thought about how much hope, joy, and love this baby has brought into our lives.  And then I pondered the bigger picture; how much hope and love the baby Jesus brought, not only into the life of my family, but of all families and individuals everywhere.  Because of Him, I have ALL the gifts that can't be bought, and I have the ability to share them with others.  Because of Him, my Gideon will be resurrected and I will get to share all these amazing gifts with my son.  Because of Him, forgiveness and mercy are possible, and not only do I get these gifts, but they are offered to ALL people, everywhere. What an awesome gift that is.  It is no wonder that angels sang His praises.  It is no wonder that when the angel declared it to the shepherds, he said that he brought "tidings of great joy".  "Great joy" just isn't strong enough to express how much joy His life made possible.  Death is NOT the end anymore, because of Him.  He knows how to heal ALL our wounds, and He will heal them all one day.  As much as I appreciate the love I feel for my children and my family and the amazing gift that my little daughter has been, Jesus Christ, my Savior, is the best gift that was ever given, because He makes all the other gifts possible.  

Video: Because of Him

Do you see what I see?

When I was young, I thought that the song "Do You Hear What I Hear?" was fun.  I knew it was a Christmas song, but I hadn't listened to it enough to really pay attention: it was talking about sheep, a star, a shepherd hearing angels, and the baby Jesus.  Somehow, I just sang without really thinking about the words, what they meant overall, and particularly what they mean to me.

For the last few days, as I've thought about this song, I have stumbled across a new idea, a new meaning that has touched me deeply, and that I thought I'd share.  What if Jesus was singing this song to me or about me, instead of the other way around?  What if the first verse said THIS instead:

 "Said the Savior to His little lamb 'Do you see what I see?  Way deep down inside little lamb?  Do you see what I see?'"

When he sings "Do you see what I see?" and I know that He can see into every corner of who I am and who I have the potential to be, would I really be able to see myself that way?  What does He see when He looks at me?  If Jesus sang to me "Do you hear what I hear?" after hearing me speak to (or about) others, would I be grateful that He can hear the unspoken things I want to communicate, or would I feel ashamed?  When he says "Do you know what I know?" about what I could achieve, can I really comprehend it, and would I try harder to reach for it if I could?  And when He (the Mighty King) says "Listen to what I say", would I realize that His counsel would help me to become that amazing person He can see?

I think, because He can see our potential and see the desires of our hearts, because He gives us points for trying, that many of us would find that we are far more amazing than we ever give ourselves credit for.  We need to be kinder to ourselves, love ourselves, and embrace our very best selves more often.

I love this song on a whole new level this year.  I hope every time I hear it from now on, I think about what the Savior sees when He sees me.

In case you haven't heard it before, here's a very beautiful version:
Do You Hear What I Hear: by former Celtic women

How gratitude saves me

As Thanksgiving approaches, I have given a lot of thought to the idea of gratitude, how much it means to me, and how much it has helped, and continues to help me.

One thing that I have learned in the last few years, after the loss of a child and the grief that accompanies it, is that there is much more to what is going on in my life than I can comprehend.  Most things have a much bigger picture than the tiny lens in my eyes can capture.  I have experienced overwhelming awe, incredible compassion, intense longing, and a new perspective and I am a different person because of it. 

The experience of awe has been shown to be good for us.  Every time I experience the birth of a child, I am overwhelmed with awe at the miracle of life, that my husband and I managed to produce and grow a living human being, that my body knows what to do to grow it, nurture it, and then how to give birth.  There was also a great sense of awe as I saw how many miracles take place on a daily basis in the NICU, from amazing doctors and nurses, to advances in medical technology that allow babies born prematurely to finish developing outside of the womb.  Seeing how much technology and watchcare was required instilled a deeper sense of awe that my body knows how to take care of a life even better than all these machines and technology.  I was often completely overwhelmed while Gideon was there.  Though the miracle I wanted most was for Gideon to live (NOW), I know I'll get that miracle one day when he is resurrected, and I appreciate the miracle and the gift of resurrection now more than ever.

This entire article is worth a read, but the main point can be summed up well by this quote from Paul Piff (who I actually went to elementary school with). Researchers study Awe

Researchers believe awe is powerful because it takes us out of our own heads. “Awe minimizes our individual identity and attunes us to things bigger than ourselves,” says Paul Piff, assistant professor of psychology at the University of California, Irvine.  

The week before Gideon was born was actually a very fun, blissful week of celebrating for our family.  I had met with my doctor, who was concerned about what he saw in the ultrasound, and he had forwarded my care to the U of U hospital (since things weren't looking great), but my brother was getting married, and we were able to attend the wedding, enjoy the festivities, and return home safely.  Three days later, we met with the doctors at the new hospital, who ultrasounded me and then gave us the grim news that our baby was far worse off than we'd previously understood-- his only chance at life was to be delivered early, have his kidneys drained, and see if they were able to function at all.   They didn't even want to send me home, they decided to admit me immediately and monitor him, get steroids in his little body to give his lungs a growth spurt, and then deliver him as soon as those steroids had long enough to take effect.  When the doctors told us his condition might be lethal, we were floored and devastated. 

A week or two before this all happened, I had watched the movie Pollyanna with my children.  I set a goal within the first few hours of the hospital stay that I was going to be like Pollyanna, I was going to play "the glad game" and find ways to be positive about what was happening.  I'm a pretty optimistic person, and I like a challenge, and I figured if I could find a way to be positive in these moments, then I was well on my way to being a "champion level optimist".  I am pretty sure that is the hardest time I have ever had being an optimist, and I'll admit that there were moments when my resolve crumbled, and I broke down in tears of frustration, anger, and hopelessness.  Looking for reasons to be glad, though, helped me to step outside my bubble, to attune myself to a bigger perspective and a bigger picture, and it has saved my sanity over and over since then. 

A few things I was grateful for, and this is not even close to all of them.  1. My blood sugar results came back high, so I had gestational diabetes and had to be careful what I ate, but since he was going to be born so early, that meant I only had to be careful for a very short time.  2. It happened over the weekend of Pioneer Day, which was not fun to be in the hospital for, but at least my husband already had the day off, and many of my family members also had the day off, and were able to help our family out.  3. Most of my stretch marks form during the last few weeks of the pregnancy, which I hadn't gotten to yet, so no new stretch marks.  4.  My mom had been injured in a car accident earlier in the year, and had to take some time off of work because of her back and neck injuries.  Consequently, she was available to be with me and my kids during the experience.  5.  I have an awe inspiring network of friends and family who not only prayed for me, but DID stuff for our family.  Meals were brought in, my home was cleaned, people sent notes and letters of encouragement and support, a few generous people helped us pay for funeral expenses...I can't even.  Lots of crappy stuff happens in our world, but I know a lot of good people, and I feel so grateful for that.  6.  God.  I didn't want to put him last, because He is really the biggest and greatest of all the blessings, but I felt Him.  I had such feelings of love in my heart, and I knew in that week where we were unsure whether Gideon would live or die that whatever happens, God was indeed watching out for us, AND I am reassured by His promises that we will all get to be resurrected one day.  That hope makes whatever happens in this life, on this Earth OK. 

Maybe you think I'm nuts for trying to be grateful in a horrible situation.  There is good science behind why being grateful is good for us, here are two articles about it:  Newsweek: 5 scientifically proven benefits of gratitude    Neuroscience of why Gratitude makes us healthier

One great source of comfort for Scott and I was a talk given by an apostle from our church, Dieter F. Uchtdorf, entitled Grateful in Any Circumstances One of my favorite quotes from it is now up in my house: 

How much of life do we miss by waiting to see the rainbow, before thanking God that there is rain?  

I was looking for so many reasons to be grateful, and they WERE there, but I did have to look for them.  And I can see what that "rain" has done, in the hindsight of a few years.  I am better because of what I have experienced, even if it is painful.

I had a striking epiphany this week.  In Luke 17 you can read the short story of when Jesus heals 10 lepers, and only 1 comes back to thank him for it.  When this happens, Jesus talks to the one who came back and tells him (and only him, since he's the one who came back) "Arise, go thy way: thy faith hath made thee whole." He didn't have to tell the man this about his leprosy; it had been healed before the man came back to thank Jesus.  And the man could have gone on his way without coming back to talk to Jesus and getting Jesus' permission to do so.  Maybe... or even probably, Jesus was talking about something else that had been made whole by his faith, by his recognition of the Savior's hand in his life.  And I realized that perhaps it was like me.  Faith makes me whole.  Losing a child still hurts, it feels like there is a part of me that's missing, and I just have to carry on without it.  That pain, though, is made better by the knowledge that it is temporary, that we all get to be resurrected, and I am deeply grateful to the Lord for that plan, and for the influence I feel from Him in my life.  That faith, my faith, makes me whole again.  My gratitude to the Savior, in many ways, saves me from despair and grief, from being overwhelmed.  I am amazed at the love Jesus offers me.  That sense of awe and gratitude is a literal life saver for me, and it probably always will be.

U.S. Elections and the attempt to balance optimism, pessimism, and realism with humanity

So...I'm an optimist.  A realistic optimist, hopefully, and sometimes an unrealistic optimist, but an optimist nonetheless.  I'm not a fan when people "pop" my optimism bubble, because I like my happy world, where I believe that most people have more in common than they realize, and have the same exact basic needs.  This is a really useful visualization of what I'm talking about.   I know--you didn't think you were going to get a lesson in psychology or human development today, but here it is:

The gist is this: our base needs must be met before we can worry about the next "level" up.

It's a tricky thing, choosing someone to vote for.  Of course, we all want someone who will protect our basic needs, but also who will help protect the needs of others, especially those we care about.   And sometimes, during an election season (and after) people feel like their needs and wants are threatened.  And they're probably right, as some politicians have an agenda that may indeed knock someone down a level (or two or three) on the pyramid.

All elections aside: different people are at different places on the pyramid, and it's sometimes hard to understand those who are in a different place than we are.  If I'm starving to death because I have no home, no food, and I haven't slept in days, I'm probably not going to feel as bad about stealing a loaf of bread (thanks Jean Valjean), as if all my needs are met.  I just wouldn't be in the same position as a well-to-do person who never experienced hunger, who only philosophized about how stealing is wrong.  (And it is...I'm not saying one should steal, just that it's much harder to achieve a self actualization type mentality when your physical needs are suffering.)  Even if we were all in the "self actualization" area, where all our basic needs are met, we feel safe, secure, loved, and we're working on achieving things and being creative, we're going to go about those things in hugely different ways.  Welcome to being a human being.

When I vote, I look at the candidates, what they represent, what type of a world leader they will be, how they will help me and the other people in the country to achieve their needs, and then I vote for the person who I believe will be best for the country as a whole.  We have to remember, though, that our needs are not a "one size fits all" and so there are going to be many people who choose a different candidate based on different needs and ideals.  And that's AWESOME.  In the end, the idea behind a democracy is that the majority of people will have their needs/ideals met by choosing a leader that best matches their needs, wants, and ideals.

I think, especially in this USA 2016 election, that there really wasn't a great leader who could by a HUGE majority best meet the needs, wants, and ideals of most people.  This was a really tight election--Trump took the electoral college, and Hillary took the popular vote, which leaves a lot of people unhappy.  AND in many states, they both took less than 50% of the vote, with a few additional percent having voted 3rd party. So, less than half the people got who they voted for, and even if Hillary had won, there'd still be more than half of the population who would not have gotten the candidate they chose.  It's a rough year for satisfaction with the election, all around.

To be open/honest, I did not vote for either.  I felt that the USA could and should do better, and that our two party system had failed us by giving us people who didn't really represent our needs/wants.  The Democratic nominee should have been Bernie, if they wanted to represent the actual people.  And Donald Trump isn't actually a conservative person, so he's not very representative of the Republican party.  And as a "realistic optimist" I knew that there was no way my candidate could win, and a lot of people told me I was wasting my vote, and that I shouldn't vote at all, and that I HAD to choose between the two candidates, and (well...you probably know the rhetoric.  Perhaps you have heard it or rehearsed it to someone else.)  I knew I'd be disappointed, and I steeled myself for it, knowing that either way, I'd feel like the USA could have and should done better, a lot better, at providing candidates that "We the People" actually wanted.

I typically like to believe the best in people.  I have found that I usually care about any/every person I take the time to get to know, and I believe that would be true for the rest of the people on earth (with a few exceptions.)  I really think that most of us are good inside (again--with a few exceptions.)

So here's where my optimism bubble gets popped.  We seem to have forgotten that other people are still human beings.  In the aftermath of the election, many people are consumed with their feelings of disappointment, anger, and shock, and are giving in to name calling, judging, telling people they should be in Hell, making threats, losing friendships....We ARE ALL PEOPLE.  We all have a need for safety, and some people legitimately feel threatened by Donald Trump.  (This is maybe unrealistic optimism, but I'm optimistic that since we have a checks and balances in place with a legislative and judicial branch, it won't be THAT BAD, and he won't be able cram unconstitutional laws down everyone's throats.)  I can't blame people for feeling threatened or nervous about a Donald Trump presidency, because I am nervous about it too.  (I'm doing my all to keep this post NON-negative; I don't want to say ANYTHING negative about either of the major party candidates, because negativity has been spewed enough, and this post is about being a human being, not about being on one side or the other.)  I would have also been nervous if Hillary Clinton had won.  People who are nervous about a Trump presidency should not be mocked, belittled, or certainly not gloated over (especially since Hillary Clinton won the popular vote.)  People who voted for a third party should not be mocked, belittled, or certainly not gloated over (after all, they just wanted better choices, and there wasn't much to go on this year.)  People who voted for Trump should not be threatened, sworn at, and should not gloat.  They were trying to make a choice based on their own interpretation of needs/wants.

For some reason, social media has made this worse.  I have personally been belittled and made fun of by complete strangers on Facebook during this election cycle.  Would you talk to a person you were seeing in the grocery store, at the post office, or at the library the way you talk to someone on social media?  Probably not--because for some reason, talking to someone on a screen seems to be less real, we forget that the person on screen is a person.  They're just words on a screen to us, not someone who maybe has a family, who maybe lost a child, or maybe whose wife has cancer, or who just came out of the closet.  We are all REAL human beings.  So lets BE KIND and help each other feel safe.

A friend of mine (a beautiful, funny democratic friend of mine named Sarah Zarate-Braudaway Clark) shared this, and I wholeheartedly agree with what she observed.

1. I don't think hate won.2. For some, it was about hate and others, fear. 3. So much fear. 4. But for others, for people I love and respect, Trump was the best choice they felt they had for many reasons other than fear or hate. 5. Just as mine was in Hillary after supporting Bernie in the primary.6. Just as other friends did in voting third party. 7. I panicked tonight. I panicked and hurt and cried and almost lost myself in the fear that hate had won, that none of us are safe.8. I'm still afraid of what all of this means for so many and what it will mean over the next four years for our nation. 9. But I don't think hate won. 10. It was exposed, showing all of us the work that still needs to be done. 11. I don't think hate can win unless we let fear win and stop fighting for each other. 12. And I don't think fear will win, not for me, because I will not stop working for the society I believe we could have.

I'm also going to point out (as I think it merits explaining, and fits in with Maslow's hierarchy of needs) that she said she able to observe all this from a place of privilege--she is safe and not as threatened by a Donald Trump presidency as some other groups of people might be.

To assume that people voted for Donald Trump because they hate others and are bigots is an unfair assumption, and belittles their humanity.  To assume that people voted for Hillary Clinton because they love evil is an unfair assumption, and belittles their humanity.  Many people voted for the one of the two that they felt was less threatening.  Most of us, though, are trying to work hard for a future where there is peace and prosperity for all of us.

I believe in a better country, in a better world, where we're trying to help each other succeed, where we're helping each other feel safe, loved, successful, and free to pursue our creativity and morality in ways that don't step on the toes of other people's safety, success, and creativity/morality.  That's a super tricky balance to achieve, and we do a lot of teetering back and forth as a country, and as a world.  If you've ever been on a balance beam with another person, and tried to knock them off balance, you know that it's almost just as easy to throw your own balance off when knocking someone else down.  So don't try to throw the other person off balance--we're all in the middle of this tricky balancing act, lets communicate respectfully and work together.

President Obama said today: "We are not Democrats first, we are not Republicans first, we are Americans first", and I'd like to add "We are human beings first."  So let's act like it.   There is much work to be done to make the world a less hateful place, and saying hateful things to someone who doesn't agree with you is not going to help.  (And there is so much irony in saying hateful things or doing hateful things to someone who you believe is wrong for following a hateful person.)  I'm optimistic that we can do better and become better, and that we can fight dark with light, fight hate with love, and fill our nation (and the world) with respect and dignity.

Am I good enough?

This is a hard one.  It's tough for me to talk about it, to admit to myself that these thoughts go through my mind, but they are real, haunting, and need to be shared.  I don't know exactly why I feel so strongly that I needed to write these down, but I do.  I am guessing that I am not the only parent who has felt this way after the loss of a child, or just after a bad day.

When we learned that Gideon might not make it, I began to pray more desperately than I have ever prayed before in my life.  I asked Heavenly Father for some time with Gideon, and especially that my other children would be able to see him, at least have some memory of him.  That prayer, was thankfully granted, though our time was so short.  They were, at very least, able to come to the hospital, and were given the chance to touch and kiss their baby brother .I know some people don't even get that much time, and I'm very grateful for what I did get, even though I still wish it had been more.  The reality that my prayers had become more real to me, made me feel like my "normal" prayers were much less than what they should have been, and that I personally was much less than what I should have been.

I wondered if part of the reason he didn't get to stay longer was that I wasn't good enough.  Maybe I wasn't a good enough mother.  Maybe I didn't want him enough.  Maybe I dreaded the sleepless nights too much.  Once he was born and in the NICU, I wondered if he would have done better if I'd have stayed there with him all night long, talking to him, instead of going back to my own hospital room and resting.  (Doctors and nurses recommended that I take care of myself too, and not obsess over caring for the baby, but in hindsight, I still wish I'd have spent more time with him.)  I can't help but ask myself if there are more things I could have done to help him survive.  Even though the problems were in his body, because I grew him, I felt like I messed things up pretty badly, like somehow my body hadn't given him the right nutrients, the right genetics....I have thought of many ways that it was partly my fault that he is dead. 

Let me be clear, I have spent many hours feeling these feelings of inferiority and doubt, but I have also spent hours reminding myself of many great and important truths that have helped me to pull myself away from the terribly depressing thoughts and feelings I have had.  They still pop up and haunt me, but I am much more able to chase them away now.  I suppose it's a little bit like learning where the different light switches in your house are--knowing which switch will chase away which darkness, and feel that I am more aware of both the darkness and the switches in my life now.

In a Christian perspective, I believe we all ask ourselves "Am I good enough?"  There are two completely opposite and true answers to this.  The first is "No."  I am a sinner. I am very imperfect, so I am not good enough.  Romans 3:23 For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God.  In 1 Nephi 15:34 (and in other places) the scriptures discuss how unclean things can not enter into the kingdom of God.  And that's OK because I don't have to be perfect.  Alma 42 gives a fabulous explanation of how the Atonement helped balance God as both a just and merciful being--and that price has been paid.  God knew that I'd fall short, and that's why I have the Atonement.   I still have to try, to give effort, because his grace should change me if it truly touches my life.  I am not trying to earn my way into heaven, but I am trying to learn to be heavenly.  So the other answer to "Am I good enough?" is a resounding "Yes!"  Christ is the author and finisher of my faith (Hebrews 12:2) which means that he finishes when I'm not good enough.  When I don't have the strength, he finishes for me.  And He loves me, and wants me to succeed.  He is absolutely a God who wants me to be happy, to have joy, (2 Nephi 2:25) and to learn and grow.  And He knows me.  He has heard and answered my prayers, and I have felt His strength so many times in my life.

I have had to remind myself that I can't understand God's reasons for doing things. (Isaiah 55:8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.)

I've had to remind myself to quit judging myself so harshly.  It's unfair for me to pass judgement (even on myself) that God decided I wasn't good enough.  Matthew 7:1 says simply "Judge not that ye be not judged." In the same chapter, it gives an analogy of noticing a sliver in someone's eye when you have a beam in your own eye, and reminds us that we shouldn't do that.  Having had something in my own eye before, it's amazing how a tiny piece of wood or dirt or dust can really seem like a huge thing when it's in your eye, and you may falsely assume that you have a HUGE something in your eye, when it's really a tiny thing.  So...I need to quit judging myself, because I think sometimes I'm thinking that my imperfections are more huge than they are, and it's difficult to see anything clearly (including yourself) when you have anything in your eye.  Yes, I've got to keep trying and doing my best, because "faith without works is dead" (James 2:26), but then I need to give myself a break.

I have thought about the fact that when Jesus' good friend Lazarus died, He wept.  Mary and Martha approached him, broken hearted. He knew that he was going to raise Lazarus from the dead, that what had happened was to give Him a chance to show His glory and power, and still he wept with sympathy and love.  And I believe that he feels my pain and heartache with me too.  Part of why immortality and resurrection are such a wonderful gift, are He knows how much it means to those who are excited to see loved ones again.  He's experienced that sadness, so He knows the joy the gift will bring.  I have taken those feelings, and become more excited for the chance to see Gideon again one day, and to thank the Savior in person for that gift, both of the Atonement (so that I can be good enough) and for the resurrection (so Gideon will live and have a healthy body).

I have begun to pat myself on the back for the good things I'm doing in my life, and focus not only on what I've done in the past, but on what I want to do going forward to keep making the world a better place.  I volunteer in my children's classrooms, I volunteer my time and talents in church, I teach piano, I try to reach beyond my comfort zone, especially when I notice someone who appears to be struggling.  It's important to give one's self a pat on the back , not just occasionally, but frequently, instead of only noticing the places where I'm not keeping all the balls up in the air.

Twice in the last two weeks, I have been listening to someone, and have been DEEPLY overwhelmed by the feeling that I am good enough.  The first time, it brought me to immediate tears--I knew that God wanted me to know that He knows I've been worried about it, and that He wants me to quit worrying about it.

This is a flowering plant we got for Gideon's funeral.  It always helps me feel happy to see it bloom.

I am trying each day to be better than who I was, and to not only improve myself on this journey, but to take others with me.  I believe that one day I'll understand, and I'll see more of what God sees, understand what he understands, and this will all make sense, and hopefully those thoughts will be laughable.  Until that day, I keep reaching to become my best self, and help those around me do the same, and trust that it is, indeed, good enough.