Quick shout out to 80's music. I love it so much. And I love the song Eclipse of the Heart, which has absolutely been present in my brain since an experience I had a few weeks ago.
A few weeks ago as I was praying and crying, I asked Heavenly Father for help. I wasn't even sure what kind of help. Can I handle this? How do I handle this? What do we do? How do I keep going in the face of such a mountainous thing?
The basic answer that I received as I stopped to think and feel was this: if I did not focus on gratitude, the weight of this situation was going to eclipse all the joy and faith and goodness I might find in it. It would still be there, but I wouldn't be able to see it. However, if I was able to keep gratitude and goodness at the forefront, then they could upstage the frustration and feelings of being overwhelmed. Basically, I get to choose what is at the front of the eclipse. One thing will overshadow the other, and I have control over which thing. I am seeing the truth of that inspiration, and I am still trying very hard to control the eclipse in my heart.
So...I've been playing Pollyanna again. (And this reminds me that I haven't watched it in a few years, and it's time to pull it out so I can enlist my children's help in playing "the glad game.")
On the Monday before Thanksgiving, we have a tradition that we put up our old, hand-me-down tree (we got it from my husband's grandparents early in our marriage) and as we put each branch on the tree (yes, you have to put it together branch by branch and it is not pre-lit, but that's OK), we talk about what we are grateful for. (We add the lights and decor the weekend after Thanksgiving, so it has a few days to be our "thankful tree" before it becomes our Christmas tree. I think that the last year has helped my children to deepen their gratitude as well, because some of the things they thought to be grateful for are way beyond what I would have thought of at their age.
These came in a random order, but I will group them by which person from our family said them. James mentioned being grateful for "sleep, medical technology, priesthood power, and repentance." He was also working on homework while we did this, so he didn't have quite as much to say as some years. Alydia was grateful for "psychology, Mira (that's my granddaughter), modern revelation, hands, creativity, the opportunity & ability to learn, and genetics" Hyrum said that he was grateful for "tastebuds, health, the Atonement, hugs and snuggles, eggrolls, individuality, humor/jokes, the Holy Ghost, and books." Miriam appreciated "home, clean water, the plan of happiness, technology in our homes, flushing toilets, light, peace & comfort, increased fairness in the world, life, and songs." Annabeth had to have a little bit of prompting to ask her what she loved in life and what she was glad for. She mentioned "family, mom & dad, food, games, friends, and birthdays." I put a few branches in too. My branches of gratitude were "we're alive, our hand-me-down Christmas tree and its memories, agency, and music." The kids noticed that Dad hadn't said anything yet, so they asked him to do one, and he said "I'm not dead yet" in the voice from Monty Python and the Holy Grail (if you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm so sorry, and I recommend watching the movie but realize that it's not something that everyone will find as funny as our family does.) Truly something he has learned to appreciate is that he is still here, based on the crazy things his arteries seem to want to do (and I felt gratitude for that as well, which is why I was feeling grateful that we were alive.)
On the subject of my children and gratitude, I also was able to experience an incredible tender mercy a few weeks ago. James is getting ready to go serve a mission for our church and was recently ordained to be an Elder in the Melchizedek priesthood. (For anyone who has no idea what that is: he already had the Aaronic priesthood, which is sort of a practice priesthood where youth begin to learn how to feel the spirit and serve others through baptism and the sacrament. This newer advancement that can be made once a young man turns 18 and is worthy of the higher responsibility and power. This is to a higher priesthood that comes with more abilities to bless other people, like blessing someone who is sick or needs comfort, or helping to give someone the gift of the Holy Ghost. It requires a little more faith and depth of ability to feel and recognize the Holy Ghost as it prompts you to bless others.) Scott was feeling particularly overwhelmed and in need of peace and comfort, so we went to his family's house. James was able to participate with Scott's dad in giving Scott a blessing. Many moms do not get to watch their sons use the priesthood to bless others the first time, the first blessing they give often happens when they're away at college or away on a mission, but I got to hear James' first blessing, and watch him take that privilege and responsibility so seriously as he prepared for it by reading his scriptures and patriarchal blessing and seeking the spirit to guide him. One of my favorite things that he promised Scott was that he would be able to see the Lord's hand in his life if he was looking for it. It was a moment I will cherish forever, and the moment wouldn't have happened if our family had not been approaching this difficult situation.
One last thing to share. Of course, seeking peace, Scott and I took a trip to the temple a few weeks ago (and we need to go again because there really is a depth of peace and comfort and a feeling of focus there that is so awesome). We went shortly after we learned that his doctor wanted him to have surgery, but before we had the chance to actually speak to the doctor in person learn more details about it. We were both a little bit in shock and not sure how to proceed, so we went to where we could feel God's presence a little better. As we sat and prayed in the celestial room, I plead for help, pleading for our family to be able to make ends meet if Scott had to go months without work, pleading to know that God was watching out for us, even if I wasn't 100% sure how to handle it all. As we were getting ready to leave the temple, I quickly grabbed a set of scriptures and said one last prayer. I basically in my mind said "Heavenly Father, please give me something good from here." After my "give me something good" request, I felt like I could open the scriptures to wherever and whatever popped out at me would be my "something good." I opened up to 3 Nephi chapter 13. My first thought as I looked at the top of the page was "3 Nephi is when Jesus came to visit the people in the land of Zarahemla, which is great, but how is that going to help me right now??" But I closed my eyes, and then let them open to wherever they would on the page. They fell on verse 32 "For your Heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things." It hit so hard and I could feel the power of that truth in my heart. It may seem like a coincidence to some people, but of the millions of words, the millions of possibilities of pages and verses I could have found, that is what my hands and eyes fell upon, right after I'd spent so much time asking for help, and asking to know that he was there. To me, it felt like He answered it all with just one verse, and even a verse I had never noticed before. This moment was a powerful one for me, it reminded me that God can hear me and He is right there with us through this whole thing. He can understand my prayers, and He gave us tools and words to help us feel His love and to give us His advice so we can know what to do.
Don't get me wrong, there are still lots of moments when the fear wants to eclipse my faith, when the gratitude is swallowed by the potential grief of this situation and what we could lose. But as I try hard to keep my focus, I am finding that I am able to control the eclipse, just as God prompted me that I could.
If anyone WANTS to know what Scott is up for: he would be needing a surgery they call a "valve-saving aortic root repair" which is when they keep your valve (since his is normal and healthy), but replace the bulged section of aorta right where it attaches to the heart. Ordinarily, with the bulge the size it is, they'd watch and wait to see if it grows bigger, and they typically would not recommend surgery until it grows bigger, because the surgery has its own risks...but because he has a tendency for his arteries to tear or bulge, they worry that this one could too, and if it does, there are many very serious risks. They'd like to do the surgery before it becomes a bigger problem. It is going to be a doozy of a recovery. His chest will need to be cut open and his heart stopped in order to do this. We do not have a date set for this surgery yet, but the doctor said he didn't think we needed to rush and do it before Christmas or anything, and that we could take a little time to think about when we wanted to do it and to prepare ourselves for it. He did, however, recommend not putting it off for a long time. He actually worried enough about Scott's situation that he took it to a board of cardiologists before talking to us about the possible surgery. Anyway, the left picture shows a bulging aortic root, and the picture on the right is with that section replaced (which is what they're hoping to do). We'd love and appreciate any prayers and good vibes and well wishes as we approach this surgery.
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