It is Well with my Soul

This is not the first time that a song has touched my life at the right time, and I'm sure it will not be the last.  In order for this to make sense, you must understand both the song I'm talking about as well as the situation my family is in right now.

We'll start with the song. It Is Well With My Soul was written by Horatio Spafford, back in the 1800s, who had lost nearly all of his family at sea in a ship wreck. His wife and 4 daughters had been aboard a ship headed to Europe when the ship collided with another boat and all of his daughters died, and his wife and very few others survived. While he was crossing the ocean himself to be with his grieving wife, the captain mentioned to him that they were at the spot where the ship had gone down, and in that very spot his mind filled with words, and he wrote the lyrics to "It Is Well with my Soul."  

1. When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
   When sorrows like sea billows roll;
   Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
   It is well, it is well with my soul.
   • Refrain:
     It is well with my soul,
     It is well, it is well with my soul.
2. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
   Let this blest assurance control,
   That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
   And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
3. My sin—oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!—
   My sin, not in part but the whole,
   Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
   Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
4. For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
   If Jordan above me shall roll,
   No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
   Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
5. But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
   The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
   Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
   Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
6. And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,
   The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
   The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
   Even so, it is well with my soul.

If you've never heard it before, I highly suggest listening to it, it has touched my heart so many times in the last few weeks. 

I am part of a choir that has begun working on this piece.  I did not realize when we started how much I would need it.  

You see, in my life right now, the sea billows definitely roll, faith is really hard, and trials are feeling very overwhelming.  

In January, I took my husband to the ER in dreadful amounts of pain in his abdomen.  We thought perhaps he had kidney stones or something like that.  When we were there, they ran several tests checking to see what might be the problem.  They discovered a celiac arterial dissection (which is a tear in the inner wall of the artery near your stomach) which raised some eyebrows and gave a reason for further investigation.  If these grow problematic enough, they can require surgical intervention, as it's likely that more troubles will arise around that spot. When he saw his regular doctor, he also explained that he'd been having a lot of unusual and strong, sharp pain in his head, so the doctor ordered a CT scan of both his abdomen and then his head as well.  They did find some aneurysms near his celiac artery dissection, which will require that he goes in for CT scans every 6 months to be sure they're not growing, and even more alarming, when they did the CT scan in his head, they found that the interior carotid artery also has an aneurysm, up high near his brain.  It is currently small enough that they do not feel it is worth the risk to operate on either problem, but both problems could turn ugly really quickly if they grow or rupture.  And it continues to frighten us, as there are frequently nights where, out of nowhere, he has a lot of pain that wakes him from sleep and prevents him from getting back to sleep.  It happens so often that we don't really know if it's an emergency or just part of our "new normal." 

Of course news like this has been a tough pill to swallow. We have had some hard conversations about finances, planning for "what if?", and some very tender conversations where we express our love and gratitude for each other each day, as we want to make each moment count.  In many ways, it has been a beautiful experience, as we try to be sure that every day is a day that we cherish, that our children realize that they are so important to us and so beloved, and we are learning to treasure our health and our time even more.  But it is also a little bit terrifying, realizing that our world could turn upside down quickly if either problem got much worse.

Two mornings after we got the news about the aneurysm in his brain area, I woke up with the song "It Is Well with My Soul" in my head.  As the words swam through my brain, I was touched by their message, and felt the truth so strongly in my heart.  "No matter my lot, Thou has taught me to say 'It is well, it is well with my soul.'" The reminder that there is more than what we experience right here, right now was beyond helpful.  It is so easy to get caught up in the overwhelming feelings of our problems, but this song has given me a very needed perspective, reminding me that while my problems are big, there is more going on here, and there is a being full of light and love who understands, who took them on--who took on not just part, but the whole of my sins and sorrows.  One day, my faith shall be sight, I will understand so much more of my journey, I will be able to see the growth, the depth that have come from my experiences, and I will be able to more clearly see the hand of the Lord. 

This song also reminds me of many of the feelings I experienced as I buried my infant son.  Hoping for a miracle now, but realizing that miracles sometimes have to wait, and it's still a miracle. Feeling that Christ was there with us, even though it was time for Gideon not to stay. Even in those very difficult times, I remember feeling sometimes like "peace like a river attended my way" even though I couldn't explain it.  And so this song now reminds me of two of the hardest, but also very beautiful times in my life. Now and then.

For now, we are doing our best to plan and prepare for who knows what... Our medical bills are not going to be delightful this year, and we're still at the early end of trying to figure out what is going on and why he's got arteries with so many problems. He does have high blood pressure, which is being treated, but there is likely more at play here.  It's pretty certain that our future contains many tests and the need for a lot of faith and patience.  We have had many people reach out and offer us help and support, and we are so grateful.  But I honestly feel that one of my biggest comforts came the morning I woke up hearing that song in my head and feeling it in my soul.