As long as you love him, you'll miss him.

It's funny, I have posted so many times about allowing people to grieve, about not expecting people to get over their sadness, but I sometimes expect it of myself.  I don't intentionally set myself up on this impossible course, on a path where I expect more of myself than I'd ever expect from any other person, but sometimes I get this superhero complex, and I have unrealistic ideals about how I should be able to deal, cope, and do things better than I do.  Some days, when I miss Gideon, I think to myself "Why?  I shouldn't hurt this much.  It should have gotten better, right?  I should be 'over it' by now."

My husband said something to me tonight that just put me right back in my place. As I questioned myself, upset that I was shedding tears over my baby I hardly got to know, and as I explained that I didn't understand why I still miss him so much, my husband asked "Do you love him any less?  As long as you love him, you'll miss him."

Good point.  That stopped me in my tracks and slapped some perspective into me.  While I'd love my heart to feel all happy and flowery and "bunnies and roses", I'm grateful to love my boy that I don't know very well, grateful to know that I'll have the chance to get to know him one day, and grateful that the perspective I've gained (through the pain) has helped me to appreciate my family more.  I don't want my heart to hurt, but I won't ever stop loving him, so it just will.  And that's going to just have to be OK.