Thankful for bees

This past Sunday, I happened to be walking past the primary room (where the children from ages 3-12 do their Sunday School and learn music) and I overheard a snippet of a lesson being taught.  The woman teaching it was encouraging the children to be grateful in all things (a command found in MANY places in the scriptures, such as 1 Thessalonians 5:18, Alma 7:23, and Psalm 147:7) and she asked them: "Are we thankful for bumblebees?"  The room erupted with varied responses, and I giggled as I walked past.  Many children obviously had a hard time being grateful for bees.  There is this HUGE thing that makes bees really hard to appreciate. They sting.... and it hurts...a lot.  As I walked past again a few minutes later, I could hear different children and teachers pointing out good things that bees do, such as pollinate many trees and plants, and make honey.  I think that they arrived at the conclusion that they could be grateful for bees, even though bees sometimes sting.

I have been thinking about this ALL week long.  Trials sting.  Death, loss, and sickness all sting.  Snowmobiling accidents cause a lot of pain.  These things are hard to be grateful for.  As I look back now, I can see how I am better because of these "stinging" experiences.  Life holds more joy, even while holding more pain.  I relish the time with my family now, more than ever before.  I am so grateful to be able to walk, dance, run, play, lift, and carry babies.  I'm so aware of the difference that one life can make.  These are the honey, the pollination that spreads good things everywhere, and make fruit possible.  I continue to reap the fruits of the lessons I learn from my trials.  They bless me each day, despite the sting.

In the moment of a sting, when it is fresh and throbbing, it's very difficult to be grateful for bees.  The pain supersedes the ability to see all the good that comes from something that would cause it.  As a little time passes, and the pain and swelling lessen, it might only occasionally throb, and then it heals completely.  No scars, no lasting effects, besides the honey and the pollination.  Then it is a little easier to appreciate the bees for the "big picture".

After an accident, an illness, or a loss, the pain is overwhelming.  Given some time, the pain still ebbs and flows, but it doesn't knock you down as much as before.  These types of things don't really heal completely, sometimes they leave behind residual scars or effects.  Our family has learned and adapted to the new normal, where "sad gets into our happy" and where life and family have a deeper meaning to us.  I realized, as I heard the discussion about bees that I am no longer in so much constant, overwhelming pain, that it has become easier to appreciate the good things that have come from it.  I am so glad to be at a point where the pain doesn't constantly supersede my ability to recognize the good influences that have come from the loss, sickness, and accidents I've experienced.  It is a little easier to glimpse the big picture, and appreciate the stings with the good things that have also happened.

So I am thankful for bees.  Happy Thanksgiving!!

Simple faith

I have not blogged in a while, because I have had a difficult time finding words for all that I am feeling.  There are still definitely moments when I just don't have words, whether to express my grief at the loss of my son, or the grief as I hurt with people whose hearts feel truly wounded.  There is much of tension and pain in the world, and much of judging and misjudging, and it saddens me so much.

This particular post is in reference to the reactions to the updates on the handbook of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (also called Mormons).  It has prompted me to do an intense amount of thinking, studying, praying, and soul searching.  I have tried hard to make my thoughts and feelings clear, but I'm sure I'll botch it up.  I'm limited by words, which can't really do my feelings justice.  I will certainly try to explain my feelings, promptings, and thoughts, which are simultaneously very simple and complex.

Simple question: Do I believe God and Jesus Christ are the author of this church?  Absolutely.  It's not a church belonging to apostles, or people, it's God's church.

Simple question: Do I believe the apostles are called of God to lead his church?  Yes.  I've heard them speak and felt their words touch my heart.  They LOVE people, they are kind, good men who encourage each of us to be better than ourselves.

Simple question: Do I believe the scriptures were given by God to direct his children on earth?  Yes.  A man once told me that life is an open book test.  God sent us here with instructions, with a road map.  I want to do all I can to follow it.

It then mostly boils down to this simple question: Is homosexuality a sin?  The scriptures make it clear that homosexuality is a sin (Genesis 19, Leviticus 18:22, 2 Timothy 3:1-5) PAUSE before you call me a "homophobe."  I have both friends and family who are homosexuals...do I fear or hate them because they are sinning??  I think that's preposterous.  I love them lots and lots.  God loves me, and I'm a sinner.  Do I judge them harshly because they are sinners?  NO!!!  I definitely don't want to judge them harshly, because we are told multiple places in the scriptures that the way we judge others will be the way we are judged. (Matthew 7:1-2)  He also reminds us that we should not cast stones if we are sinners. (John 8:1-7)  God will know our hearts and challenges, and judge us fairly, and I'll leave that job to him, I'm sure that I can't do as good a job as He will.  Of course, we have to make some judgements in our day to day life, and again, the scriptures back that up.  We are supposed to judge situations and circumstances to see if they will help us to be good and righteous or not. (Bible: Leviticus 19:15, John 7:24. Luke 12:57.  Book of Mormon Moroni 7: 12-14.)  Back to the first simple question: if I am following Christ and God, then I love all people, especially sinners (which is all of us).  I associate with them, I eat with them, I walk with them, and I also encourage them to become better than who they are (just like I want them to do for me--good friends do help you become your best self.)  I want them to be happy, and I want them to also follow Jesus and choose to follow His commandments, but my love for them is not conditional on their choices.  I appreciate that they want me to be happy, and I may not agree with the way they think I should do it, and I hope they feel the same way.   I hope others want to be with me, even though I'm a sinner, and I am grateful for their love and encouragement, despite my imperfections.

This begs the question: if we desire to associate with all people, all sinners, then why not allow the children of homosexual couples to be baptized until they're 18 years old?  I struggled with this, so I prayed about this.  After all, if it's God's church, and God is my father and hears my prayers, won't He answer them?  This is where He took my thoughts as I have pondered and sought for answers.  Baptism is a commandment, found in multiple places in the scriptures (Matt 3:15-16, Acts 2:38, Alma(Book of Mormon) 7:14).  However, a doctrine that is unique to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormon church) is that baptism is a covenant or a promise that we make.  Through baptism, we promise to follow Him, to join with His church, to serve Him, and to mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort (Book of Mormon, Mosiah 18: 8-10 & 13).  It is not a promise to be taken lightly, or a commitment that should be shrugged off when it gets hard, and it does.  (Now I realize that MANY people have entered into this commitment and "dropped the ball", and so have I.  Let's not dwell on the hypocrisy of all humanity, as we strive to be better than what we are, but fall short repeatedly.) 

We believe that it's a serious thing to walk away from knowledge, light, and truth, and that there is increased accountability to God for shrugging off our promises to Him after we've made them.  And living in a home where homosexuality is normal and accepted does strongly contradict the teachings of the Savior.  How difficult would it be to be the person who made a serious commitment to live according to God's commandments, to believe that practicing homosexuality is wrong, and then also live in a home where homosexuality was practiced?  Would the parents approve and be OK with their child's decision?  Could it alienate the child from their family during the years when they need so much support and love?  Wouldn't it cause immense tension?  And won't a child who has joined a church and sees their parental figures sinning in a way that is wholly disapproved by the church have a very difficult time with not judging their parents?  I truly feel that it would put both the child and their parents into an extremely tense and difficult situation, and would definitely make it harder for this child to both keep their serious promises to God and to love and not judge their family, and for their family to feel loved and accepted by them.  So the age at which they can be baptized was moved up to 18 for children in this type of situation.  They are still welcomed (and encouraged) to attend church, to ask for and receive priesthood blessings, and to participate in callings (assignments/responsibilities.)  This will give them time to decide if baptism is truly something they want to commit to, so that they don't commit and walk away, and will give them time to mature a little, so they can learn how to love and not to judge people who make different choices than they are deciding to make.

Honestly, I bet there is more to it than that.  Sometimes we won't understand why God does certain things.  In Isaiah 55:8, the Lord reminds us that his thoughts are not our thoughts, and his ways are not our ways.  I don't understand the ins and outs of everything under creation.  I don't know exactly why the leaders of the church felt prompted to make this a policy, but after I prayed about it I felt better about it.

If it's His church, and we are His children, and He wants what is best for us, He will help us understand.  Perhaps we won't have all the answers today, or tomorrow.  I don't understand why my infant son had to die, why I only had 1 week with him here on earth.  I sure miss him, and I wish it had been part of God's plan to heal him and let him stay here.  I believe, though, that God knows what he is doing, and that one day, I'll understand why, and that I'll actually be grateful to the Lord for the things he put in motion in my life.  I believe that one day, we'll also see this situation through his eyes, and it will make more sense.  In the meantime, I am going to trust his apostles. 

This is not blind faith.  I struggled with the policy when I first heard about it, I hurt for children and families that it may affect.  That is precisely why I spent so much time asking God for help.  I know that God answers prayers, He has answered mine in more times and ways than I can list here.  I know that I've felt the spirit when I've heard the apostles, and that they are kind, loving men who are trying to make the world a better place.  I am trying to follow their example by loving, serving, learning, and reaching to be better than my best each day, and by letting my faith lead me forward on a path to be more like my Savior, who both asked people to follow Him by keeping his commandments (John 14:15), and also who asked us to love one another as He loves us (John 13:34).