I've had worse

Lots of people ask how I'm doing, and how the baby is doing.  I feel fabulous, my body is recovering well, I'm having to remind myself not to push too hard, because I feel just fine.  I am sleep deprived, and that makes me feel forgetful and a little headachy.  In the past, I've told people how horrible the first few months can be at times.  Don't get me wrong...snuggling a new baby is an amazing feeling, and I love it, but that zombie-like stupor that settles over me as I continue to run on not enough sleep...it's awful.  It makes it hard to be patient, to think clearly, to function, to even feel like myself.  HOWEVER, I've had a healthy dose of perspective, and so if you ask how I'm doing, I'm still going to tell you that I'm doing great (or awesome or fantastic), and it's true.  Last year, in August and September, I'd wake up feeling sad, overwhelmed, confused, lost, missing my baby, wondering if there was anything else I could have done.  This year in August and September, I wake up feeling like my brain has magically been replaced by oatmeal, responding to a baby who is crying because she needs something, but I am so grateful to have a reason to wake up groggy.  I'm grateful she's here, that she is healthy and wants to eat, that she can pee (YAY for functioning kidneys) and poop (YAY for functioning digestive system) and cry (YAY that her lungs are developed well!!)  I've had worse...so much worse, and so I'm grateful for the tired.

I've had several ideas for blog posts over the last few weeks, but lets face it...when you're exhausted, sleep becomes a much higher priority than many other things.  Showering has taken a back seat some days.  Make up and fancy hair have never been a high priority for me, but even less so at this point.  I am at the point where I will pretty much say "yes" to anyone who offers help, (THANKS to those who have helped clean up, bring in meals, shuttle my kids around for me!!) even though I like to be independent and do everything myself.  My normal "2 hour" screen time limit for my 4 year old has been completely ignored on several days as I've tried to catch up on sleep.  But I've had worse.  I'll take it.

Miriam has been a very wonderful healing balm for my heart and Scott's.  Holding her brings a peace and contentment that I have missed over the last 14 months. 

We still miss Gideon immensely, sometimes more so because of the special moments we are sharing with our new daughter.  We love seeing her smile in her sleep...and wonder what his smile would have looked like.  She has lots of hair, like he did, I often look at her and see a resemblance to her big brother, which pulls on my heart strings.  However, I feel confident that he sent her with hugs and snuggles to share (just like when you visit your Grandma and she says "Give so and so a hug from me" and when you see them, you pass on Grandma's hug).  I'm sure that he wanted her to give us his love, and that he wanted us to feel comfort both from her and from him.  I feel so much peace and joy and love radiating from her.  Even when I'm utterly exhausted, I love looking down and seeing her in my arms. 

My view of a dozy Miriam snuggle.

So 3 weeks in, we're tired, but loving it!