Living my dream

Much of life goes by in a blur, the day to day activities that melt into years flying by sometimes create a fog and haze that are hard to see through clearly.  Since Gideon's life and death, I have sought to live a life that is more focused, less smeared by the doldrums of daily life.  I have set aside special moments and special days to celebrate life and family and love, and happiness, and I have been so grateful for the clarity that I feel on these days.  I still get caught up in every day life--there are dishes to be done, food to be cooked, I still have to use the restroom and do laundry and clean, but I am trying to take and make time to help more of my time be less mundane.  Some of that is taking a step back and asking myself, am I doing what I really want to be doing with my life?  Long term, am I on track with the dream I have for myself?  It makes the everyday steps part of something more amazing.  There are also ways to make mundane things less mundane (turn fun music on while you clean--my husband LOVES to do this, and I agree, it's more fun that way.)

Last night, we added a daughter to our family.  Special days like these are NOT part of the doldrums of every day life, and there are so many focused and beautiful moments that I've been able to experience in the last 24 hours.  Miriam is a tiny little peanut, and we adore her.  One focused moment I will remember with great clarity is the moment she began to cry.  So did I.  So did Scott.  We never heard our Gideon cry.  This moment, I tasted a new flavor, a new dimension in our birth experience.  We miss our Gideon, we wish we would have had those moments with him, and it made us sad.  Because we know what we are missing, we are so much more grateful for the chance to hear our baby cry, to hold her and snuggle her, to feel her squiggle and move, to not have to pass her off to the NICU right away.  We both experienced these feelings of sadness and overwhelming gratitude as we heard her cry.  (Don't get me wrong, NICU doctors and nurses are amazing, but it was a treasure to be handed my baby seconds after delivering her.)

Our 10 year old noticed how we were able to have so many more quiet and calm moments with Miriam.  With Gideon, there were machines and monitors all over, and so there was a lot of background noise, as well as a nurse who HAD to be there to monitor him.  Watching my children be able to hold and gather around their sister, to touch her without worry that her breathing would stop or her body would hurt too badly was such a blessing, and a moment I will treasure.  I treasure the way each one reacted to her, from tears, to smiles, to stares, to laughs, to eager hands that wanted to hold her, to the suggestion that we sing to her, because our Gideon loved music and so Miriam probably will too.

Daddy and his girls

 My husband does not love his tender heart, (I'm pretty sure it makes him feel not very manly) but I adore it, and consider it a gift he has been blessed with.  It's one of the reasons I fell in love with him, and it continually blesses my life.  I fall back in love with him as I watch him hold our babies, help our children learn and grow, melt when our daughter smiles at him sweetly, and understand my grief when I mourn for the baby we don't have with us.  He is a good man with a good heart.  As part of every day life and marriage to another human being, we have our differences, and they sometimes bother either one of us, but in my moments of "clarity" I'm so in love with his tender heart.  I got to fall in love with him again yesterday and today as I watched all of these beautiful moments happen.  It was a special day.

I have been able to take time to just think about my blessings.  I don't always take time to do this, but it is so good for the soul, and I highly recommend it.  I missed attending church today, but took a little extra time to consider the gifts I don't always take time to think of: the ability to breathe deeply, time with my family, medical sciences, the human ability to repair itself, nature's magical ability (or God given ability--depending on your views) to reproduce. the way warm blankets or hugs can soothe and comfort a body to name a few that I thought of today.  I thought about the strengths and weaknesses of each of the members in my family, and how they interact and how we're a team and helping each other to become more amazing..  I have so many loved friends and family who I got to send texts/emails out to, and while it was a lengthy list, I consider myself so blessed to know there are so many people who I can rely on, who love me and want to know what is happening in my life, and the ability to use technology to send pictures and information almost instantly is so awesome!  

I am NOT a real huge fan of the song "Everything is Awesome" from the Lego movie, some of the harmonies grate at my nerves and seem very randomly chosen, and some of the repetition bugs me, but some of my kids like it, and the words to the chorus are so true.  "Everything is awesome, everything is cool when you're part of a team, everything is awesome when we're living our dream."  I am living my dream.  I always wanted to be a mom.  I always wanted to teach people.  I love nurturing, discovering, learning.  I enjoy nature.  I am living all of these dreams, by being a mother, being part of a wonderful family team, and team of people working for the success of my children, I have a garden, I get to be part of creating almost every single day.  Is this what I want to be doing?  YES!  I hope that everyone who reads this takes a minute to think about A.) whether you are living your dream and B.) some blessings you don't always think about.  Hopefully it will help you feel pretty awesome about life!  

Welcome to life, little one!!

Full term

I am 37 weeks along today.  We are so excited to have made it to what is considered full term; we were told that we had higher than normal chances of having a premature baby, and now that worry is gone.  I am still paranoid, if I don't feel this baby move for a long while, I reach down and shift her around until she twitches or pulls back.  This poor kid probably won't have any type of sleep pattern, because I won't leave her alone, but I just can't help it.  Oh well...I won't have much sleep pattern going on either pretty soon.

We're all hoping and praying for a healthy little one, and our 10 year old has said "We need to remember to thank God for the privilege of being able to have this baby."  Yep.  I'm anxious to get her here, though trying to be patient through these last few uncomfortable weeks.  We're excitedly getting ready for a new school year, and all the new adventures that will come with both school and with a new baby.

We feel so much love and support, and I'm so grateful that so many people are excited with us, even though this is our 6th baby.  It's a lot, even I think I'm nuts (I HATE being pregnant, but I love being a mom), but we appreciate those who are willing to celebrate this sweet little baby with us as we get ready to welcome her into our lives.  Any day now....

Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness: things I'm learning

It has been a year since we buried Gideon.  There were so many moments on the day of his funeral that I can't even describe in words: I remember how very hard it was to help them close and seal the casket lid, feeling like I was sealing off and shutting down a piece of my heart that wouldn't really ever die.  I remember laughing through all the pain when my (then 3 year old) son said "This is the best day ever" because we were able to ride in a limo and feeling grateful for his innocence and presence.  I will never forget feeling grateful and overwhelmed with so much  love and support from so many friends and family members.  It was a wonderful and awful day.

Over the last few weeks, we've passed several milestones, his birthday, his "deathday", and now the anniversary for the day of his funeral, and I've thought about this journey that our family is on and what we've learned in the last year.  It's a little odd, but my thoughts have taken a direction I didn't really expect.

Our amazing and diverse world is so full of many different people.  I feel very blessed to have so many friends and family who feel very differently about many of the issues that are very "hot topics" and are quite contraversial nowadays.  I hope, and I think that all of those who I am friends with are able to see my opinion and respect why I might have them, even if mine differ from theirs.  It seems to me that being able to agree to disagree has become more important in my life over the last year.  I've thought a lot about why this is...it has taken some soul searching, and this is what I've discovered.

Time and relationships are precious, people and life are precious, and I see that with a clarity I didn't have before.  I do not believe that there are many disagreements in the world worth insulting another person, or that relationships should be severed because of differing opinions.  Based on what I see and experience, especially in the last year, I believe that the art of "agreeing to disagree" is dying.  People are going crazy insulting each other, threatening each other, and there is a huge lack of empathy or understanding which is becoming more and more prevalent.  It makes me sadder now than it ever did before, because I feel like we are casting aside the most important things: respect, life, relationships, people's rights to their opinions--and for what?  Why?

The point of this blog has been for me to find words to express my thoughts and feelings, to share with those who care enough to listen, and to help and inspire anyone else who may be on their own difficult journey.  I often feel compelled to share my thoughts and feelings with the hope and desire that they will help someone somewhere.  I have usually tried to choose my words carefully, words are powerful.  In taking time to choose words, I have gained a new level of respect for the founding fathers of my country, who took time to write the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution.  They were gifted with some amazing abilities with words, and over the last year, I have gained a new reverence and respect for the words they chose and the time and consideration that must have gone into these important documents.  While I believe many of the leaders pushing for independence in the U.S. were hot-headed, I also have a great deal of respect for the fire they carried that birthed the idea for a great nation.  My thoughts keep coming back to this statement, which I admire more than I know how to say: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."

This statement, found in the Declaration of Independence is actually something that I think all liberals and conservatives agree upon.  Why do people feel the way they do about gay marriage?  Some feel strongly that the Creator knows best a plan for our happiness, and he set up marriage between man and woman, and it shouldn't be changed, because He knows best.  Some feel strongly that no matter one's sexual preference, they should have the right to pursue happiness and a life with whomever they choose.  But regardless, we believe that all men are created equal, and that they have rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Yes, I care who the president will be, and I would love it if everyone in our nation would feel similarly to me about what is best for the country, BUT the bottom line is: people who are voting care about our nation, and are choosing based on their interpretation of that statement.  AND once the president has been chosen, even if it wasn't "my candidate", I believe that they have now been selected as the leader of my country, and as such, they deserve respect, even if I don't agree with the way they want to do things.  Yes, I wish everyone agreed with my opinion about abortion, but we all don't, partly because different people feel like life begins at different points, but the bottom line is, no matter where people stand on that issue, they value life and liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  Yes, I would love it if everyone would view gun control the same way as I do, but the bottom line is, most people feel the way they do because they value life.  Funny....we sit on different sides of the issues, but what we have in common is a desire to see life be better, we just have different ideas about the way it should happen.

As I have thought about my last year, I have felt that really, what would help everyone heal is more love and kindness and understanding in the world, more respect, even when people see things differently.  I am so much more bothered now by people's intolerance of each other than I ever was before my son was born and died.  I have no idea why his life and death brought this change to me, but my heart is more tender, and I realize that many other people may be experiencing tender and difficult moments in their lives too.  Everyone everywhere has horrible things happen to them, that's a sad part of life and the world, and as we are all going through hard things, we need to be kinder.  Really, "what the world needs now is love, sweet love.  It's the only thing that there's just too little of."

I am not naive enough to believe that the world is 100% full of people who have strong moral compasses, that 100% have clung to their ability to value life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, but I do have enough faith and hope in the world to feel that perhaps 99.5% of us do.  Most of us still value the God given right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, but we're making choices and choosing sides based on our interpretation of those fundamental truths, and we shouldn't belittle or insult others whose interpretations and life experiences have led them to believe differently than we do.  I have friends who have seen a dear one shot, and consequently, they believe guns don't belong in people's hands.  I have friends who have had their homes broken into in the night, and they believe that guns in the right hands protect them from the guns in the wrong hands.  And I'm not going to belittle either of their experiences by telling them "You're wrong" or worse by calling them stupid or unintelligent.  They are my friends, I love them, I am grateful for the perspective that they lend to my life, and I believe they both want what they feel is best for the world, to give everyone the opportunity to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."

To my own friends and family, if you want to remember and celebrate Gideon's life with me: be kinder, show more respect to others, understand that the people around you are seeking the same things as you are, but choosing a different way to do it.  Don't toss relationships aside because of differences in opinion.  Love your family and friends a little more, and criticize a little less.  Fill the world with love and understanding.  I don't know how Gideon taught me so much without ever being able to speak a word in such a short little life, but somehow all of these things have come into more focus in my life, and by sharing them, I can help his life make a bigger difference in the world.  As you go about your day, remember that mostly we all want the same things: life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.