No words

On July 22, last year, I went in for an ultrasound to check on Gideon.  We knew his condition had worsened, but we didn't know how bad it was.  They told us that our son's condition was possibly lethal, and admitted me to the hospital (completely unprepared).  On July 25, he was born, and they began to work on doing what they could to help fix his little body.   This is a picture from later that day, after they stabilized him.  Today is Gideon's birthday.

On the 26th, they transferred him to Primary Children's hospital, where he could have surgery and the highly specialized doctors he needed.  Days later, our nurses and doctors told us that our son was not going to make it.  I remember looking at them, trying not to yell, scream, or cry and ruin the atmosphere of a NICU with fragile, sleeping babies, and all I could say was "I have no words."  That was the first day I was able to hold him, and I had no idea how many opportunities I'd get after that day.  They knew he was already in trouble, so they figured it was worth the risk to let me hold him, in case his condition worsened or he just simply didn't make it one night.

I typically don't suffer from a lack of things to say.  I have been an opinionated know-it-all for most of my life, and am a very social creature.  I tend to be optimistic, and sometimes more jovial or sarcastic than a situation calls for.  In that moment, though, I was so overwhelmed, so unsure of myself and my world, I had no idea how to proceed, least of all what to say.

Thankfully, Gideon's neonatologist seemed to understand.  He told me that it was OK not to know what to say.

There have been many moments since then when I have worked hard to find words to express what is going on in my heart and mind, and I have found that putting it into words does sometimes help.  Sometimes, though, there are no words.  As we approach Gideon's birthday, I have felt that way.  How do you celebrate a child that has broken your heart?  How do you reach out to someone who isn't here?  What do you say when your heart is thankful to have known someone, but hurts for all the moments you missed out on getting to know them better?

I can say Happy Birthday, but it's so heavy.  I wish I was saying it to him, watching him destroy his birthday cake with reckless abandon and make a huge mess.  I miss all the things I wish his birthday would have brought. I cut flowers from my yard today and we went to Gideon's grave and sang "Happy Birthday", leaving him the flowers.  It was very hard.

I can say "thank you" because I am a better human being after Gideon came into my life.  My heart is more tender, my mind more open, my life more focused on the things that matter most.  It's hard to feel grateful when I miss him so much.  I love him even though I barely knew him, I miss all the moments I haven't gotten to have with him this year.  I am thankful for the short week we did get to have with him, that my children got to meet their tiny brother.  And I'm thankful to so many friends and family who have been understanding, who helped when we needed it, who supported us in many ways.

Today was a day where I found myself without words quite often.  Even when my husband asked "How are you?"  I didn't know how to respond, and said "OK".  It was up and down.  I know some people have told me that they didn't know what to say to me after Gideon died.  I truly understand.  There are moments when words just can't...they just can't...