Newness of life

I often think about things I wish Gideon was able to experience with me or with our family.  I wish he could be seeing all the flowers bloom, and crawling around on the grass for the first time.  I wish I could have handed him an Easter egg this year, and that I could be watching him try different foods for the first time.  I have begun to look at the world with different eyes as a result.  

I truly have a strong hope in the resurrection, that he will get the chance to live and experience life as I have.  I catch myself enjoying snowflakes, bubbles, the feel of water on my skin, the taste of my favorite foods, and the smell of rain more often as I think forward to things I want to share with Gideon.  I find that the hope and faith has given me a sense of newness of life (like is mentioned in Romans 6:4).  There is glory and beauty to be found here on earth, and I am happy to be able to enjoy it.  I have found relief from the pain of all I am missing through taking more moments to enjoy the things I truly treasure, and putting them on a mental list of things I hope to share one day with him.

I do miss him, and I still do not understand why his life was so short, why he had to miss out on so many things.  He only ever saw the hospital--

he missed out on much of the world.  I went to the cemetery today and put flowers on his grave, and found myself reacquainted with that feeling that part of my heart is buried there.  I left holding back tears, and marveling at how strong that grief can still feel.  I don't know if that feeling will ever go away, and do you know what?  I am OK if it doesn't.  I love and miss my little boy, and I don't think I will stop loving or missing him, so that feeling will probably just be there for the rest of my life.  I don't think I'll ever stop wondering how he would have reacted to his first snowstorm, to his first taste of bananas, to ice cream, to playing in the rain until I have been able to see it.  

In the meantime, I am trying to find an appreciation for all the amazing experiences I am being blessed with: family, friendships, hugs, good food, learning, the colors and landscapes to be seen in the world, the way I feel when music touches my heart--I am glad that I will be able to share them one day with Gideon, but I am also glad to be able to share them now with my loved ones.

I was thinking today--if this was my first day of life, what would I cherish most?  Seeing in color?  Eating?  Good music and time with my family?  I don't think I could rank my favorite things, but it was a good thought to have on a day when I was going to visit Gideon's grave.  Cemeteries are such sad places in some ways--so many reminders of what was, or what could be, of loved ones who are no longer with us.  Today, though, besides the sad, my thoughts helped me be grateful for life, and for those things which I treasure most.  Despite the grief that walks with me, there is also much more "walking in newness of life" as my testimony of the resurrection has grown stronger and my hope in it burns brighter.  I am grateful for the Savior, and that through him, this grief does not have to drown me, and that my hope in the resurrection allows me to appreciate the treasures and beauties all around me.

I have shared my feelings surrounding the story of when the Savior calmed the tempest.  There was another time when Jesus was on Galilee in somewhat stormy weather, walking on the water, and Peter wanted to experience it too.  Peter was actually making it happen--walking on the water, when the big waves distracted him and he became afraid and began to drown.  He called out to the Savior to help him, and instead of calming the waves (which He could have), he took Peter by the hand and helped him have confidence in his faith, to continue walking along despite the storm raging around him.  I am no Peter--I don't have that kind of faith.  I do, however, feel that sometimes, the Savior takes me by the hand even in the middle of my grief, and helps me to redirect my faith back to him, so that I can keep walking despite the high waves, which truly is a miracle.  As that overwhelming grief surrounded me at Gideon's grave site, I wondered a little about how I have been able to live life for the last months, but then I also remembered how much I am looking forward to sharing things with him when he's resurrected.  The Savior makes that possible, and as I experience those overwhelmed, terrifying moments, I can reach out to him, and he helps me keep walking, even as the storm rages on.