Don't cry because it's over

The last few weeks have been very emotional for me.

We chose Gideon's grave marker, finally.  I will post a picture in a few weeks once it's finally done and set and in the ground.  It took us a while to make it happen, mostly just because we hadn't set aside the time to go down to the cemetery to meet with the people who run things, and make a decision.  It was hard to be there.  It's obvious that I won't see him again for a while, but how do you sum up a life on a grave marker?  How does anyone sum up a life on a grave marker, it's got a beginning date, and and ending date and a dash.  Everything happens in that dash of life, for all of us.  For him, it really was a short little dash...

Memorial Day is a new and different experience when someone close to you has passed, and there is so much focus on remembering.  I remember anyway, and I can't explain why there is a heavier weight around Memorial Day, or around holidays.  I think somewhat they are a family time, and so I'm keenly aware of his absence.  The cemetery is a peaceful place, but it makes my heart ache to hold my little guy again whenever I am there.  He's so close, but so far away when I am standing on the ground above where he is buried.

My 12 year old is graduating from elementary school.  He was blessed with the same teacher two years in a row, and she was also able to teach my 9 year old this year, and she has been a sweet support to our family both these last two years.  I was pregnant at the end of last school year, and lost our baby over the summer. I am pregnant again this year--it feels a little bit surreal.  She was ready, and helped the other teachers to be ready to understand if my boys got emotional at school, and to encourage them to be their best self, despite the hurdle they had to overcome 11 days before their school year started.  My kids have all had amazing teachers, both in church and at school, and I feel like they have been an answer to prayers.  Our family has really needed and been very strengthened by the support we have had from so many wonderful people, but especially the teachers in our lives.  Sunday School teachers, Priesthood and Relief Society teachers, Primary teachers, and school teachers.  I feel a little sad to see the school year ending.  I don't like endings, even though deep down, I know every ending is just a new beginning.

At the "graduation" assembly yesterday, Ethan's teacher quoted this saying, which I've heard before, but it really touched my heart.  "Don't cry because it's over.  Smile because it happened."  Me--I'll probably do a lot of both, especially being pregnant.  I am proud of my children and have enjoyed seeing the progress they make.  They are growing in personality and ability, becoming better at reading, writing, math, problem solving, and I love being their mother and watching them grow.  This comes with the weight of what I will miss with Gideon, and those special moments are tinged with a hint of sadness because I wish he was still here and "in line" to have his turn with those moments too.  He'd be 9 months old on Memorial Day.

The Chase family "baby birthdays" have begun.  Gideon was one of several cousins born last summer.  A few had their birthdays this spring.  More birthdays will come.  I'm happy to see my nieces and nephews growing, and in many ways, being around these tiny people is therapeutic to my soul.  Still, I sure wish mine was here to celebrate his birthday in a few months too.

Some of the emotions of late aren't sad--in fact I have also been super excited and happy.  I feel like the baby I am currently expecting is a baby that so many people already love and are excited for--I think there are literally hundreds of people who have expressed excitement and joy with us as they can see my growing belly, and as they ask if things are well with us, I can tell they truly are hopeful that this baby will be happy and healthy.  It's a little sad that many mothers don't get to experience people being super excited with them if or when they are pregnant with their 6th child--it's often met with a snarky comment.  I am blessed that so many people are rejoicing with us that we are expecting another baby, who looks really healthy in her ultrasounds.  I have felt so much joy emanating from so many friends and family members who care about us and our family, and I am grateful.

And then there's the rain again.  I posted about rain last fall.  In April, we began praying for rain, as we had very little precipitation all winter long, and live in a desert.  We have to have had 5 inches of rain in the last 3 weeks. (Really, my son made a rain gauge in cub scouts, and we've measured at least 5 inches of rain.)  It's been such a rainy May.  It is much like our rainy stint last summer during the week where Gideon and I were in the hospital, and the few weeks after.  There are a lot of memories of running out of the hospital parking lot in a downpour, of driving there in Scott's little car (with no working A/C) and being grateful for the cooler rainy weather, of feeling like God watered our garden for us when I was too busy with caring for myself and my baby and my other children to worry about the garden.  As I was driving home in the rain one day, I remembered a lesson someone taught me years ago about trying to run away from God's blessings.  She compared it to running around in a rain storm and trying not to get wet.  It just doesn't work.  He rains blessings down on us, even if we think we don't deserve them, and we try to run for cover, we still end up soaked with his blessings.  And I feel like I've totally been rained on.

I am excited, and a little nervous to see what this summer will bring.  The last school year has been the hardest one of my life, but I have seen beautiful growth in my family, which is reason to both to cry and smile.


  

Daily habits: brushing teeth and scripture study

I have this bizarre gift to find parables in every day life, to be struck by spiritual lessons in the most ordinary of circumstances, especially as a mother.  Sometimes an every day, run of the mill moment (like arguing with my child about whether they like dinner), inspires a dawning realization, a lesson that I learn from and take with me for years.  I truly do feel it is a gift, albeit a strange one.  Some time I'll have to write down my epiphanies on boogers, dehydration, and playdoh.

A few years ago, I was in a slump on scripture reading, and recommitted to daily study again.  I came to the end of the day, as I was preparing for bed, and realized I hadn't read yet.  I decided to multi-task (I LOVE finding ways to combine tasks) and read my scriptures as I was brushing my teeth.  I have NO idea what I read that night, but after reading a very short time, my spirit had an "a-ha moment".   In that profound moment, I realized how alike brushing my teeth every day and reading my scriptures every day actually are.

Let it be truthfully declared that I am not as diligent at daily prayer and scripture study as I should be, even after Gideon's passing, although it has provided me with additional motivation to be my very best self, as he's an angel in heaven, and I have a long way to go to be that celestial.  I want to be better, and grow to be the person God sees when he looks at me.  I don't exactly know who that is, but I glimpse her here and there in my deeper spiritual moments.  Like most people, my daily habits are sometimes very diligent, and sometimes not so much (envision a person trying to learn to drive a vehicle with a stick shift--there's a lot of lurching forward and stalling.)

You know how on a day when you've eaten a lot of candy, your teeth start to feel pretty grimy by the end of the day?  It feels really good to brush that all off and start over clean, to get the gunk off and feel my real mouth again.  Only if I am really sick do I ever say to myself "I am just too tired to brush my teeth tonight."  And even if I am sick, I don't ever miss 2 full days in a row, it is disturbing to even think about.

Daily prayer and scripture study do that for my soul each day.  I am more mindful of it in the last few months than I was even before, as I need that daily dose of perspective to keep me going, to help me have the faith that I will have answers and be with Gideon one day, that God does indeed hear and answer my prayers.  When I go a day without reading my scriptures, it's like the gunk has built up--all the heaviness and confusion of a busy life in a mixed up world just sticks, and I don't feel like me.  When I study my scriptures and pray, I am able to start fresh, feel my real self again.  I am happier, I am able to shed off the grumpy, less patient me, and become closer to the person I know I can be.  Only it's way too easy for me to tell myself "I am just too tired to read my scriptures tonight." and then sometimes to miss a few days in a row.  I know I need to do better, that it should be just as appalling to me to skip my scripture reading as to skip brushing my teeth: one is a physical need, the other is a spiritual need, truly a need, not just a nicety.

The analogy can go further--go too long without brushing and teeth begin to decay, cavities form.  Go too long without reading scriptures, and faith (and my kindness and patience) begins to dwindle.  Still a problem that can be solved, but it takes more effort to have a cavity filled or regain knowledge and/or a testimony and to get back into the habit of not losing a temper.  Having cavities filled or teeth crowned comes at a high cost.  So does losing a testimony.  Preventative maintenance does require daily effort, but it's worth it.  (Plus fresh breath and a happy attitude are much nicer to be around for those who have to be near me.)

I have a few favorite places to read in my scriptures: In the Book of Mormon, I love Ether 12, Moroni 7, 2 Nephi chapter 4, and 3 Nephi chapters 11-17.  I love and enjoy much of Proverbs (especially chapter 3), and Psalms a lot.  I also love Phillipians 4 and Ephesians 4, 5, and 6, but I have been loving reading in James lately.  I love how he talks about DOING and not just believing. about how powerful the tongue can be, about being submissive to the Lord.  When I haven't known what to read lately, that's where I go.  Sometimes, I study out a topic (like controlling one's temper or being happy or finding faith), but when I don't, I just go to my old favorites and they give me that daily fresh start.  I love finding the perspective I need to prevent spiritual cavities, and to help remind myself how to become that person I hope to be one day.

Newness of life

I often think about things I wish Gideon was able to experience with me or with our family.  I wish he could be seeing all the flowers bloom, and crawling around on the grass for the first time.  I wish I could have handed him an Easter egg this year, and that I could be watching him try different foods for the first time.  I have begun to look at the world with different eyes as a result.  

I truly have a strong hope in the resurrection, that he will get the chance to live and experience life as I have.  I catch myself enjoying snowflakes, bubbles, the feel of water on my skin, the taste of my favorite foods, and the smell of rain more often as I think forward to things I want to share with Gideon.  I find that the hope and faith has given me a sense of newness of life (like is mentioned in Romans 6:4).  There is glory and beauty to be found here on earth, and I am happy to be able to enjoy it.  I have found relief from the pain of all I am missing through taking more moments to enjoy the things I truly treasure, and putting them on a mental list of things I hope to share one day with him.

I do miss him, and I still do not understand why his life was so short, why he had to miss out on so many things.  He only ever saw the hospital--

he missed out on much of the world.  I went to the cemetery today and put flowers on his grave, and found myself reacquainted with that feeling that part of my heart is buried there.  I left holding back tears, and marveling at how strong that grief can still feel.  I don't know if that feeling will ever go away, and do you know what?  I am OK if it doesn't.  I love and miss my little boy, and I don't think I will stop loving or missing him, so that feeling will probably just be there for the rest of my life.  I don't think I'll ever stop wondering how he would have reacted to his first snowstorm, to his first taste of bananas, to ice cream, to playing in the rain until I have been able to see it.  

In the meantime, I am trying to find an appreciation for all the amazing experiences I am being blessed with: family, friendships, hugs, good food, learning, the colors and landscapes to be seen in the world, the way I feel when music touches my heart--I am glad that I will be able to share them one day with Gideon, but I am also glad to be able to share them now with my loved ones.

I was thinking today--if this was my first day of life, what would I cherish most?  Seeing in color?  Eating?  Good music and time with my family?  I don't think I could rank my favorite things, but it was a good thought to have on a day when I was going to visit Gideon's grave.  Cemeteries are such sad places in some ways--so many reminders of what was, or what could be, of loved ones who are no longer with us.  Today, though, besides the sad, my thoughts helped me be grateful for life, and for those things which I treasure most.  Despite the grief that walks with me, there is also much more "walking in newness of life" as my testimony of the resurrection has grown stronger and my hope in it burns brighter.  I am grateful for the Savior, and that through him, this grief does not have to drown me, and that my hope in the resurrection allows me to appreciate the treasures and beauties all around me.

I have shared my feelings surrounding the story of when the Savior calmed the tempest.  There was another time when Jesus was on Galilee in somewhat stormy weather, walking on the water, and Peter wanted to experience it too.  Peter was actually making it happen--walking on the water, when the big waves distracted him and he became afraid and began to drown.  He called out to the Savior to help him, and instead of calming the waves (which He could have), he took Peter by the hand and helped him have confidence in his faith, to continue walking along despite the storm raging around him.  I am no Peter--I don't have that kind of faith.  I do, however, feel that sometimes, the Savior takes me by the hand even in the middle of my grief, and helps me to redirect my faith back to him, so that I can keep walking despite the high waves, which truly is a miracle.  As that overwhelming grief surrounded me at Gideon's grave site, I wondered a little about how I have been able to live life for the last months, but then I also remembered how much I am looking forward to sharing things with him when he's resurrected.  The Savior makes that possible, and as I experience those overwhelmed, terrifying moments, I can reach out to him, and he helps me keep walking, even as the storm rages on.