A few weeks before the entire pregnancy with Gideon exploded into a whirlwind of bad news, early delivery, and the loss of our baby, I watched Pollyanna with my kids. I am SO glad that I did, because the "glad game" became a lifesaver for me. I found reasons to be happy in the situation, even though I was still sad too.
I have reflected much on my life, and about point of view since that time. I am VERY aware that a person can be happy and sad, and the mixed flavors of my emotions have added new dimensions into my life. I am grateful for the perspective, even though getting there has not been fun. There are moments when the pain sneaks up on me and I still have overwhelmed moments. In some ways, they are not as frequent as when he first passed away, but I think they have gotten more stealthy and potent, especially as time has gone on. He was born July 25, he would have been 9 months old on April 25th. He was born premature, so he would have possibly only acted like a 6 or 7 month old developmentally, but still, I know there are milestones he would have reached by now. I would have been able to feed him solid foods, and watch him make faces and so much mess. I miss that. Even my 4 year old has enough knowledge and understanding to realize "Mom, we never got to hear how Gideon's voice would sound. Are you sad for Gideon?"
All the same, I have been able to find reasons to be happy, because I am looking for them. I am searching to find God in all of this, to find perspective, and I am finding it. I have felt guided and inspired at the words to explain to my children when they ask questions. I have had scriptures and hymns come to my mind to bring me comfort when I needed it. My spirit and mind have been strengthened with a sensitivity to truth, I feel it deeper now than ever before. My hope and faith in God's plan for Earth and for his children have grown immensely, and I am trying harder to trust him because I truly know he has all the answers.
I have tried to find scriptures to help me express this. Here is one from Doctrine and Covenants 98 verses 1,2, & 3. (Doctrine and Covenants is a transcription of various revelations given to Joseph Smith and a few other prophets. Many times, when reading scripture or encountering a problem, Joseph (or other prophets) would go to the Lord and ask for counsel. They recorded and later shared the words and revelations given.) "Verily, I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore and in everything give thanks; waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth, and are recorded with this seal and testament--the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted. Therefore, he giveth this promise to you, that they shall all be fulfilled; and all things wherewith ye have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name's glory, saith the Lord."
I love the promises there, and they feel true to me. I have searched for comfort and found it in truth. Earth did not "spontaneously" exist--it has a creator. He loves his creations and wants us to grow and progress, to become all we can be. He had a plan for us to be able to do just that, and it involves the creation of families that can last forever. Death, sadness, sickness, and wickedness exist in this world because he allows us and others to make choices, and because with that opposition, we are learning how good it will be to NOT have those things in the world one day. If we had a life where everything was perfect, but we could not make choices for ourselves, we never would have learned or appreciated all that goodness can offer us. I truly feel that our spirits existed before we were here, and that they continue to exist after. There will be a resurrection, and we will get to experience that perfection--a body that will no longer be sick and die, and we will get to experience life with no wickedness and evil. I do not have to fear, my heart takes comfort in this plan, and though it takes patience to wait for the plan to be unfolded, I am promised that God heard my prayers for Gideon's life. I am grateful to know that those prayers mattered--that they just "didn't count" because they weren't meant to be. God records them, the Lord has a plan to answer those prayers, and it will be a sweet joy to be with my son again one day.
I digress--this post wasn't intended to be my witness of God's plan, though that is part of what I have seen as I have looked for a broader perspective. I have been thinking about how we find what it is that we are looking for. If I choose to look for reasons why this is unfair, I can find them. It is a slippery slope, one that I have tried mostly to avoid, because it hurts more than finding the growth, love, and learning I am experiencing because of what has happened. I could find reasons to be angry, not just with God, but with my husband, with my children. I could find ways to blame this problem on many: doctors, nurses, medications, my kids who stress me out sometimes, my husband who was very tentative about another baby, and until we knew we were losing him, didn't realize how much he loved our little guy. I COULD let this destroy who I am.
If you look back at my posts, you will even see that there are times I have been offended when well meaning people have asked questions like "Do you feel like you are getting over it?" The offense is unintentional, and it is what I am looking for that makes the difference. If I want to be upset and hurt, then I have a reason. If I want to see that someone is wondering if I am healing and finding ways to go on with life, then I have a reason. I am trying to look for the good and kind intentions, which eliminates most offense I would ever take.
My thoughts about "what am I looking for?" have spread to other aspects of my life. I have begun to see that everyone sees what they are looking for. People disagree about who should lead our country, about different laws that are passed or are being considered, and are very polarized about many issues. We see what we are looking for, and so very rarely do we attempt to look at things by taking a step back and seeing both sides of the issue, or even more amazing step back would be trying to see what God and Satan might see of the issue. We get offended over meaningless things, because we are looking to be offended.
I have seen great and bad things come from the feminist movement. I have seen great and bad things come from the LGBT movement. I have seen great and bad things come from people who are preaching religion, and from those who are listening to it. Technology is amazing, but it has the power to transmit evil into everyone's hands. Anti-vaccination movements are lately causing quite a stir. Are any of these inherently evil? No.
I know people who are very polarized on any and all of these issues. I love you all, and I honestly think that since Gideon's death, I am able to love you all even more. Out of necessity, I have needed to take a step back from a "right here, right now" perspective and tried to look at things from a broader perspective. That is what has enabled me NOT to search only for reasons why this is unfair and reasons to be angry or offended. Because of that step back, I am seeing more perspective on both sides of so many issues. I sometimes find it very enlightening, and sometimes confusing, as I think most times, the truth lies somewhere in the middle of the polar opposites, or in some broader understanding that our human and mortal selves do not see. There is more to almost every story, a depth to each truth that we do not see or understand always. I want to see and understand more, to be able to step back farther and examine many things from both sides. My mortality limits this to some extent, but I am amazed at what keeping an open mind does for one's perspective. (And I highly recommend that more people do it.)
In multiple scriptures, we are commanded to "Judge not, that ye be not judged." We are also given commandments, requirements, and recommendations on how to live our lives in the best way. It is sometimes a tricky balance to live a life trying diligently to keep the commandments, and also to not judge those who may not be making those same choices. Judging comes very easily to most of us as mortals--it's probably why we have to be told so many times "judge not". People are always judging others, people driving faster than they are, people driving slower than they are, people who support gay marriage, people who oppose gay marriage, people who believe vaccines are unsafe. Everybody has a tendency to judge. Don't. Don't. Don't. We don't see it all. We can't see it all. We don't have to see it all, and truly, we'd probably be overwhelmed by being able to see it all.
God sees it all. He looks at our hearts, our motives, our choices, and knows. He knows if we were trying to offend someone, if we were choosing selfishly, or if our actions were misguided or even an attempt at something good. Just as His plan is perfect, and will allow me to be with my son again one day, the chance to grow into the best person I can be as I learn from tragedy, sickness, and death, His judgement is perfect. His thoughts are higher than our thoughts, and His ways are higher than our ways. (Isaiah 55:8) As I have asked him for perspective, I have grown in the ability to see multiple sides to each issue, in the ability to love people on both sides. I believe that it is a part of my journey to learn to understand people, and to love people, and I believe God is helping me to find what I am looking for.
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