Need a theme song (or two or three)

Let it first be said that I love musicals, and I love music.  I love it when people spontaneously burst into song and dance, and it's something I apply regularly in my own life.  Ask my husband or kids, I truly start singing in random times and places--making up new words to things, and throwing in random dance steps.  I modify words to fit our situation, and find songs that can apply to lots of moments that we have every day.  Sometimes, I am also amazed at the effect a song can have on a moment,  increasing confidence in a character, expressing sadness, on helping someone to arrive at a conclusion, or on just lifting the general mood.  Music is full of emotion and memory, and it often calls attention to important but sometimes subtle things.

Many emotions and memories swirl through me lately.  I am afraid and excited.  I am sick and tired.  I am anxious but trusting and hopeful.  I miss my little baby.  And I am trying to remember that the future is not mine to see, and to just roll forward with whatever happens.  Whatever will be, will be.

I am pregnant again.

Our next baby is due Sept 9.  I am excited to be expecting.  When we met with the genetic counselors prior to Gideon's birth, they told us that having more children presented a real possibility of the same problems again, and asked if we were interested in permanent birth control.  I am considered "high risk".  We looked at each other and then told the doctors that we weren't.  Both of us felt strongly that it was not time for us to be done trying to have more children, even if it means another hard journey for us.   And we are already at the beginning of that journey.  I sometimes wonder how it felt to be Christopher Columbus or Neil Armstrong, or any other explorer who crossed unknown horizons in search of a land they hoped they would reach.  I feel a little more sympathetic for them now: I am eager to see what will happen, what we will inevitably discover on this journey, but nervous that it might not turn out how I hope.  I feel like I need a theme song, though, to help me on this journey.  Perhaps the main title to "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves" would do (they now use it at the beginning of most Disney DVDs).  Very adventurous, and chock full of emotion.  Plus I had the opportunity to REALLY get to know this piece in high school, when we learned it in band.  I loved it then, still do, and it truly is an "epic adventure" theme, which is how my life feels lately. 

(cue the mood music here:  Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves main theme)

I am not happy to be back to puking again, to feeling exhausted.  I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.  I just did this a year ago, and here I am doing it again.  I would NOT have been pregnant if I still had a Gideon and sometimes that makes me miss him all over again even more.  I now have the physical agitations of pregnancy to remind me of all I did for him a year ago, and he's not here with me.  It is scary to think that I might be performing this sacrifice for a baby I might not get to have around for very long again.  I am far more aware that I am opening my heart to a world of heartbreak, as I love this child through the nausea and tiredness, and hope for the very best.  I am trying to enjoy whatever time I get with this baby, no matter what happens.  I am looking forward to an ultrasound on Wednesday, and hoping to hear a strong and healthy heartbeat.

Hyrum told me, a few days ago, as I was brushing my hair that I looked beautiful.  (I think he was trying to get me to just hurry up and finish, but I was grateful for the compliment anyway.)  Then a few minutes later, I "tossed my cookies" into the toilet and he said: "Mom, your barf is not beautiful."  Well said, son.

When I was a teenager, one of my parents (I don't remember for sure, I think it was my dad) introduced me to the song "Que Sera!"  I thought it was a little bit silly then, it seemed too "flibberty gibbet" and careless.  Now, though, it runs through my mind quite often, and I like it more each day.  I am trying to not stress too much about what will happen.  (Key word: trying.)  We won't know anything for several more weeks, and until we can confirm that this baby does or does not have similar issues, I'm not going to freak out about the "what if".  I am trying to have the best "Que sera!" attitude that I can.  If you haven't heard it, here's Doris Day for ya: Doris Day- Que Sera Sera with lyrics

We found out I was expecting just shortly after Christmas.  Truly, it felt like a late Christmas present from Gideon, he knows how much I have missed holding my own baby.  And I know he's up in heaven with the next spirit to come, and that will make the new baby that much more precious to me. and all the harder to lose if we have similar problems with it.

I have asked for more prayers in the last year than ever before, but prayers do help.  Miracles happen every day, our family has seen them, and are witness to the power of faith and prayer.  If you would like to add your prayers to ours, we would appreciate it.

I suspect that like the great explorers, there will be times when I don't know what's coming, when I can't see the end of the journey clearly, when I will wonder why I set out on this voyage and if I'm just endangering myself needlessly.  I will have times when I doubt the wisdom of such a journey.  There are already moments (and I expect more to come) when I connect with my adventure, I feel the depth of its purpose and the vastness of this mission, and I am excited for the results.  I truly believe that there will be great rewards and great discoveries made along the journey and at the end, we will grow and learn from what we will see.