Time to learn to walk on water, I guess

 For years, I have been so impressed with the story of Peter. As a child, I remember judging him harshly--he was walking on the water with the Savior and then he just started sinking??  How could that happen with Jesus right there? He denied Jesus 3 times??  But as I've grown up and real life slaps you around a little bit, I am much more aware of how Peter might have felt, what he might have been experiencing, and I have come to realize that faith and fear often exist in the same space and can really be a raging battle between the two.

That is how I feel right now.  In January, Scott and I went to the ER because he was in so much pain and they discovered that he had a few kidney stones he would need to pass.  They also discovered a dissection (which is a small tear in the inner lining of the artery wall) in his celiac artery (in his abdomen).  It is a big concern and something to keep an eye on, so he has regular CT scans now to be sure it has not grown.  Throughout the last 9 months or so, as he has had increased pain in his head and his chest, we have discovered more and more problems that he has--there is an aneurysm in his carotid artery near his spine.  And the most recent discovery is that his aorta has an aneurysm too. All these problems are normally eventually treated with surgery, if they get big enough or bad enough, and his are at the threshold where they'd typically watch and wait. But that aorta...since he seems to have a propensity to have his arteries bulge or tear, that one is a big concern, because if it tears, it's likely to just rupture, and that's deadly. So he's facing a major surgery (we're not sure how soon, we'll hopefully learn more about that this next week when we visit the doctor.)  Like they have to open up his chest and replace a section of his aorta.  He'll probably spend several days recovering in the ICU before hopefully returning to a regular hospital room and eventually coming home.

For those who have been following our very challenging 2023, you also know that Scott was laid off at the beginning of summer, so the job he has now is relatively new, he started this new job in late August.  The potential problem this presents is that he is not protected by the Family Medical Leave Act and could possibly lose this job if his company doesn't want to have him gone for several weeks. We hope not, but it's a real possibility, since they're currently in the middle of a project and it's behind schedule, and he is in charge (when he started there, he took over for someone else who had been the project manager.) The timing is terrible for him to have to take several weeks off.

AND I have a second mammogram this week, because they want another look after the one I had done in late October. All by itself, this would be less scary, but throwing it on top of what Scott is facing and I just feel a sense of dread about it. 

There are moments when I feel this absolute peace, I know I'm stepping out into the darkness a little bit, and I know that this might be a scary, bumpy journey, but I feel like I'm doing it while holding Scott's hand in one hand and the Lord's hand in the other, so it's all going to be fine.  I truly believe that whatever the outcome, the Lord knows how to make beautiful things out of chaos and confusion, and He has shaped my life in beautiful ways already, even using tragedy that I've had to experience.

And then a wave of fear will hit and I will start to sink. I am feeling ALL the Peter vibes lately.  I can be doing the impossible--walking on the water with Jesus and feeling peace despite all the craziness, and then I look at the medical appointments and the holiday season coming up and the possibility of a lost job, or of Scott not waking up (he STRUGGLED to wake up after his hernia surgery a few years ago, so that's a big scare for me too) and I just feel so nervous about it all that I want to cry and hide and puke and it's hard to breathe. I want to have all the faith and just calmly walk with Jesus, but those waves are REAL. They hit hard. And when I see them and feel them, they're hard to ignore. I have had to call out for help lots of times as I start to sink. 

I know what I have felt as I have had those moments of peace.  I know I was inspired to go back to work 16 months ago, which didn't make logical sense to me.  At the time, my youngest was 3 and still at home so I had to find her childcare and I've missed out on some of her last time before she goes to school, and at the time, we did not need the money, Scott makes plenty for our needs. I truly felt like I was being guided to do this as preparation in case something happened to Scott, and we've saved every single penny I earned because we didn't need it at the time, it was just extra money to build up our rainy day fund. In hindsight, that inspiration makes much more sense now than it did then.  I know that God watches out for me.  But it's easy to forget it, and worry and freak out, even just minutes after that peace comes.  

 Our family is still so young in so many ways, and I feel so overwhelmed by all that we are facing right now.

Peter was able to call for help and reach out for the Savior's hand to lift him back up, then walk on water with Jesus.  And I feel like that's what I've got to do too.  Except I think Peter is WAY stronger than I am, because he only sank once, and I feel like even while holding Jesus' hand, I'd probably start sinking a little about every 5 seconds and have to call out for reassurance again and again and again. I truly believe that Jesus will respond to my repeated requests though and has the patience to help me despite my weakness. I appreciate this story so much, especially right now.

Mourning with those that mourn

 

Matthew 5:4 in the New Testament declares “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Mosiah 18:8-9 tells us “…as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens that they may be made light; yea and are willing to mourn with those that mourn...” D&C 42:45 shares this beautiful idea “Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die…” I think sometimes in our world, we neglect the importance of mourning, of really feeling the sense of loss, whether it’s for our health, a loved one, or a change in relationship.  We seem to have this idea that mourning makes us weak, not recognizing that it is a healthy and natural part of loving another person, that when they pass, we will mourn them.

A family member of mine was talking about how she felt like she really missed out on mourning the loss of a close loved one, and it has affected her mental health for years. It gave me pause, and made me dive in and think about how well I give myself and others the chance to mourn. I realized that sometimes I don’t even give myself the space to feel the feelings that I have, whether it be anger or mourning or terror or whatever.  It is good to move on from strong negative feelings, we can’t necessarily stop all the other things happening in our life just because of them, but they ARE important to feel and recognize and to process.  Sometimes when we have a friend (or ourselves) going through grief over a loved one, we tend to diminish it or to try to encourage them to quickly move on or get past it.

A perfect example of this was the Savior himself when his friend Lazarus died (take a look at John 11 for the full story).  When I was a teenager, a few of my friends that were in my Sunday School and religious classes joked that their favorite scripture was John 11:35  “Jesus wept.” (It’s very easy to memorize, and super short: just 2 words.) But think of the impact from that…Jesus knew that Lazarus was going to be perfectly fine, He was going to raise his friend from the dead in just a short while.  And He did. He called this friend back from death (4 days after his passing.)  But when He arrived in Bethany, He still took the time to feel the feelings with Mary and Martha, to weep with them, to truly mourn with those that mourned.  He followed his own counsel to “live together in love” and also to “mourn with those that mourn”.  He also brought sweet comfort to his friends.

I am not saying we all need to wallow in sadness forever, and I don’t think that’s what Jesus is saying either.  Ecclesiastes 3 reminds us that there is a time and a season for all things.  We need to be sure that we don’t just pass over the time to mourn, the time to lose, or the time to break down.  We also need to be sure that we don’t spend all our time in mourning and loss either; we should definitely take the time to feel joy, to gain purpose, to build up. All things in balance, of course. 

When our son died, we literally had people say things like “Well, it can’t be that bad, you only got to have him for a week, so you didn’t really know him that well.” Or “Do you feel like you’ve moved on yet?” We don’t spend all our time mourning him, but we loved and love him, and there are still days when we really feel that loss, when we wish he was here with us celebrating family events and moments. And that is OK, and nobody should make us feel like we’re broken for loving and missing our son. Mourning with those that mourn might mean different things to different people, but definitely it can mean taking the time to weep with someone, even if you know things are going to work out alright in the end, just as Jesus did.

 

It is Well with my Soul

This is not the first time that a song has touched my life at the right time, and I'm sure it will not be the last.  In order for this to make sense, you must understand both the song I'm talking about as well as the situation my family is in right now.

We'll start with the song. It Is Well With My Soul was written by Horatio Spafford, back in the 1800s, who had lost nearly all of his family at sea in a ship wreck. His wife and 4 daughters had been aboard a ship headed to Europe when the ship collided with another boat and all of his daughters died, and his wife and very few others survived. While he was crossing the ocean himself to be with his grieving wife, the captain mentioned to him that they were at the spot where the ship had gone down, and in that very spot his mind filled with words, and he wrote the lyrics to "It Is Well with my Soul."  

1. When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
   When sorrows like sea billows roll;
   Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
   It is well, it is well with my soul.
   • Refrain:
     It is well with my soul,
     It is well, it is well with my soul.
2. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
   Let this blest assurance control,
   That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
   And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
3. My sin—oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!—
   My sin, not in part but the whole,
   Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
   Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
4. For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
   If Jordan above me shall roll,
   No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
   Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
5. But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
   The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
   Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
   Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
6. And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,
   The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
   The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
   Even so, it is well with my soul.

If you've never heard it before, I highly suggest listening to it, it has touched my heart so many times in the last few weeks. 

I am part of a choir that has begun working on this piece.  I did not realize when we started how much I would need it.  

You see, in my life right now, the sea billows definitely roll, faith is really hard, and trials are feeling very overwhelming.  

In January, I took my husband to the ER in dreadful amounts of pain in his abdomen.  We thought perhaps he had kidney stones or something like that.  When we were there, they ran several tests checking to see what might be the problem.  They discovered a celiac arterial dissection (which is a tear in the inner wall of the artery near your stomach) which raised some eyebrows and gave a reason for further investigation.  If these grow problematic enough, they can require surgical intervention, as it's likely that more troubles will arise around that spot. When he saw his regular doctor, he also explained that he'd been having a lot of unusual and strong, sharp pain in his head, so the doctor ordered a CT scan of both his abdomen and then his head as well.  They did find some aneurysms near his celiac artery dissection, which will require that he goes in for CT scans every 6 months to be sure they're not growing, and even more alarming, when they did the CT scan in his head, they found that the interior carotid artery also has an aneurysm, up high near his brain.  It is currently small enough that they do not feel it is worth the risk to operate on either problem, but both problems could turn ugly really quickly if they grow or rupture.  And it continues to frighten us, as there are frequently nights where, out of nowhere, he has a lot of pain that wakes him from sleep and prevents him from getting back to sleep.  It happens so often that we don't really know if it's an emergency or just part of our "new normal." 

Of course news like this has been a tough pill to swallow. We have had some hard conversations about finances, planning for "what if?", and some very tender conversations where we express our love and gratitude for each other each day, as we want to make each moment count.  In many ways, it has been a beautiful experience, as we try to be sure that every day is a day that we cherish, that our children realize that they are so important to us and so beloved, and we are learning to treasure our health and our time even more.  But it is also a little bit terrifying, realizing that our world could turn upside down quickly if either problem got much worse.

Two mornings after we got the news about the aneurysm in his brain area, I woke up with the song "It Is Well with My Soul" in my head.  As the words swam through my brain, I was touched by their message, and felt the truth so strongly in my heart.  "No matter my lot, Thou has taught me to say 'It is well, it is well with my soul.'" The reminder that there is more than what we experience right here, right now was beyond helpful.  It is so easy to get caught up in the overwhelming feelings of our problems, but this song has given me a very needed perspective, reminding me that while my problems are big, there is more going on here, and there is a being full of light and love who understands, who took them on--who took on not just part, but the whole of my sins and sorrows.  One day, my faith shall be sight, I will understand so much more of my journey, I will be able to see the growth, the depth that have come from my experiences, and I will be able to more clearly see the hand of the Lord. 

This song also reminds me of many of the feelings I experienced as I buried my infant son.  Hoping for a miracle now, but realizing that miracles sometimes have to wait, and it's still a miracle. Feeling that Christ was there with us, even though it was time for Gideon not to stay. Even in those very difficult times, I remember feeling sometimes like "peace like a river attended my way" even though I couldn't explain it.  And so this song now reminds me of two of the hardest, but also very beautiful times in my life. Now and then.

For now, we are doing our best to plan and prepare for who knows what... Our medical bills are not going to be delightful this year, and we're still at the early end of trying to figure out what is going on and why he's got arteries with so many problems. He does have high blood pressure, which is being treated, but there is likely more at play here.  It's pretty certain that our future contains many tests and the need for a lot of faith and patience.  We have had many people reach out and offer us help and support, and we are so grateful.  But I honestly feel that one of my biggest comforts came the morning I woke up hearing that song in my head and feeling it in my soul. 

Gold nuggets in Isaiah, and being enough

 Isaiah is intimidating to almost everyone, myself included.  My mother-in-law shared a few of her favorite scriptures from Isaiah over the last few weeks and it helped shift my whole attitude. I realized that instead of just feeling overwhelmed and confused by all that I don't know, I can search for the beautiful nuggets of truth.  The reality of life is that it's kind of like Isaiah--it can be really overwhelming, I don't always see or understand all that is going on, and not everything that is happening is relevant to me at all times, but there are moments of clarity and truth and goodness that stand out and help me.  So I set out to find some beautiful truths, things that spoke to my soul amidst the confusion and all his prophecy and imagery.  Think of it as panning for gold.  And I found a few gold nuggets this week.

In my heart and mind, I have been concerned a lot with the feelings that lie hidden underneath the surface in many people and sometimes end up overwhelming us, especially the feelings where someone feels broken, worthless, or inferior.  A coworker of mine recently committed suicide, it truly shook up so many people, because he seemed like everything was fine.  Besides that, a loss like that is always hard.  I did not know him very well, so I don't know if he had deeper issues with mental health or what was going on in his home life.  But I know that those feelings can lurk under the surface, and sometimes they pull us under.  

With my mind a little more focused in that direction, on what I can do to help those I know and love to realize how special they are so they don't fall victim to their own doubts and struggles, I stumbled across the following scripture and it was a nugget that spoke to my soul. Isaiah 45:9 "Woe unto him that striveth with his Maker! ....Shall the clay say to him that fashioneth it, What makest thou?..."  When we doubt ourselves, when we question our worth, we are questioning that we were fashioned by master creator who designed so many beautiful and amazing things. As I searched for an additional nugget to back this one up, I found a new favorite, and it's also in Isaiah.  Isaiah 64:8 "But thou, O Lord, art our father; we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand."  Isn't that beautiful?  He created us. We are his work, and we are all amazing in our own way.  He knows what He is doing and He didn't make garbage.

I thought about the saying "You are enough" and what it means.  It doesn't mean that what you are right now in this moment is actually enough.  It is also about your past, present, and future.  My granddaughter is enough. She's not even 1 year old yet, not walking, not talking, but she is a delight.  Her ready enthusiasm for music and for fun and for life is contagious.  It does not mean she has arrived at all she will do or become or is capable of.  However, she learns and grows every day.  Her "being enough" is about who she has been and who she is and about who she will be.  Sometimes we get so caught up in where we are in the present that we forget that we still have so much to learn and grow and do, and it's OK if we haven't finished reaching our potential yet.  There is more to life than what we can see, there is far more to understand than what we see on the surface, even about ourselves.  

See these flower arrangments?

They're all different.  They're all beautiful.  They all have deficiencies and they all have strengths.  I created them all with different flowers from my garden. (I LOVE arranging my flowers this time of year.)  And I truly love each creation.  What if my flowers each sat and focused on their deficiencies? What if all they focused on was the bad things about themselves, so much that they stopped feeling good about themselves? My tulips and crocuses (which are now dormant in the ground and not a part of these arrangements at all) would focus on the fact that they only come out in early spring, and for the rest of the year, they sleep under the ground hidden and unknown and unnoticed.  My roses would focus on the fact that they have thorns and so they tangle in hair and clothing and hurt people.  My petunias would lament that they only get to live for one year, and then they die and have to be planted again and start all over.  My dahlias would be frustrated that they either have to die each year or someone has to go to the effort to dig their tuberous roots out and save them for another year's planting. My stems are too short.  My stems are too long.  My color is too boring.  My flowers drop too many seeds.  My flowers don't drop any seeds.  I'm too sensitive.  I'm too sticky. None of them would focus on their colors, their scent, their ability to attract bees and hummingbirds, and definitely none of them would focus on their ability to bring someone else joy.  All of my flowers bring me joy and satisfaction. All these arrangements have different shades, colors, and flowers and many are imperfect but they are part of a creation and they are part of a team of flowers, working together. They won't live forever, but while they live, this creation can bring so much good, so much happiness, some color, life, and vibrancy to the world they are able to be a part of.

Well, you are ALSO part of a team working together.  Whether it is a family team, a coworkers team, a team of people in a church or a class or a crowd, you ARE part of a team.  And yes, you have problems and struggles and things that make you imperfect.  So do all of us, but don't forget that you bring good, happiness, color, life, and vibrancy to the world that YOU are able to be a part of.  Stop worrying about whether you are good enough right now.  You probably aren't.  But being enough isn't just about right now.  It's about your past, your present, and your future.  Plus the entire plan of God is hinged upon the fact that we aren't really good enough and that's why we have a Savior.  So it's OK to not be good enough.  You just remember that there is more to you than what you are right now.  Remember that you are the clay and He is the potter, and He does not create junk.  He created you. YOU ARE ENOUGH because of Him, because of who you are not just now, but in the past and in the future.  And while you do have struggles, you are part of a team and you add value to that team and make it more beautiful, even if you doubt yourself and wonder how.  There is more to you than what you can see right now, and you are enough.

Grandma Bonnie

 Putting into words who my Grandma Bonnie is really isn’t possible. Her own words are probably the biggest testament to who she is and was. My grandpa passed away suddenly on the day before Thanksgiving 20 years ago. In a stolen moment at her home on that Thanksgiving day, the very next day after his passing, I pulled her aside and looked right into her face and asked her if she was doing ok. Her response has guided my life ever since. She said “When I feel like my plate is getting too full, I just ask God to send me a platter.” 

I think in the last 20 years, she’s even gone above and beyond asking God for a platter, asking him for a proverbial cookie sheet and perhaps even a large serving tray to hold all the things that she has going on.  She has taken countless opportunities to help her 12 children, and the generations that came after, showing us all love through our lives.  She tried to attend our special moments: graduations, weddings, recitals, times we spoke, baby blessings, baptisms, and she made each birthday special by calling and sending out a hand written card and a $2 bill.  She always bore her testimony in each one, and she lived her own words.  It is frequent that she reminded me through words like “attend the temple often” “love each other and pray together” or “go to the Lord often in prayer, He loves you”. “Be well and safe.”  Again, her own words are a testament to who she was, as she did all those things herself.  

Everyone who knew her knows how talented she is. She truly has achieved “domestic goddess” status in my opinion, she could sew, clean, cook, bake like a master (REALLY she can bake, she knows how much and what to put in every recipe by simply taking handfuls or cupfuls of ingredients until it looks right.  The amount of pure instinct that drives her baking often drove me crazy as I tried to replicate her recipes with her instructions, because how do you know how much is a “handful of salt” or “enough flour until it looks right”?) I loved seeing and enjoying her beautiful creations including my wedding dress, the tiny white tuxedo that my Gideon was buried in,

and a blessing dress I was able to use for two of my daughters, as well as amazing food and desserts—cookies, candies, and caramels galore over the years.  

Elder Ciro Schmeil said “Jesus Christ is the perfect example of fulfilling the most important commandments. Because He loved God, His Father, He obeyed Him. And because He loved His neighbors, He served them throughout His life. He showed to us that love is not just a feeling, but it is action. Loving through service helps us to achieve our full potential and to become more like our Savior Jesus Christ.” I believe my Grandma Bonnie understood this completely and lived it fully.

She was one of the most selfless people I have ever known, and it seems like no matter how many things she had going on or people she already was helping, she tried to carve extra time out to help someone else if she learned there was a need or something special she wanted them to do. She asked God for a bigger platter and fit it in somehow.  

One of the greatest hopes I have for my life is that I can dedicate my time and energy to good things like she did. I love you Grandma! Thank you for blessing so many lives. 💕

What DOES success look like?

What a crazy world we all live in!  But what a crazy world I have chosen for myself.  Having such a big family is not for the faint of heart.  Lately it has been increasingly overwhelming with a son getting married and having a baby (healthy baby girl, YAY), and my second son struggling so much with harder high school and concurrent enrollment college classes.  My youngest kids keep getting sick, it seems that all the germs are ready to come out and play after so much social distancing and mask wearing last year.  And I have felt frequently overwhelmed and like I can't quite keep my head afloat without some serious help.

I have done a lot of thinking over the last few weeks about what success is.  So often, first world USA thinks of success as 1. a lot of money 2. a lot of nice things 3. a good job (often to help with # 1 and #2) 4. power, prestige, and influence and 5. lots of pleasure in our lives.  We sacrifice our sleep, our family time, our health, and all kinds of other things to achieve those 5 measures of success.  

But on a deeper level, what is success??  At the end of my life, not a single one of those things will really matter, except maybe if I used power and influence to help other people.  What REALLY is success? 

Here are some things I think are a truer, deeper measure of success.  1.  Love  At the end of the day, learning to love others and love yourself is a huge thing.   There are so many ways to learn to love others, but family is definitely one of mine.  So is serving others within my community.  Learning to balance sacrifice with self care is a lifelong skill and journey that is worth taking. 2. Happiness  I'm not talking about pleasure, that's not the same thing.  Happiness is deep, it's permanent, and it doesn't depend on the circumstances you're in.  I can be happy, even in the middle of intensely hard times or frustrating, overwhelming situations if I'm able to keep a perspective about it and remember to treasure and prioritize the most important things in my life. 3. Growth.  Growth comes in a bajillion forms, but the one I'm definitely NOT talking about is my girth. I'm speaking of intelligence and skills.  I'm talking about understanding yourself better. I'm referring to growing closer to the eternal potential you have.  Being able to forgive someone is growth, and that is success.  4. Creation  As children of the master creator (God who created everything) we grow like Him and grow closer to our full potential as we create things.  This can be anything--a great meal, a work of art, or even helping to create happiness in another person by being kind or thoughtful.  

Earlier this year, Simone Biles did one of the most amazing things I've ever seen done.  She withdrew from Olympic competition because her mental and physical health was struggling and she needed to be able to recuperate.  She has lots of signature moves named after her, but in my own mind, this is the most amazing and awe inspiring one of all.  She did a Biles and prioritized REAL success over "fake success".

She put first her growth, her balance of love and sacrifice, her long-term happiness, and set aside her opportunity for prestige and bragging rights.  She allowed others on her team the chance to compete without her, and cheered them on in their success, showing true love and giving them opportunities for growth and success they may not have had otherwise.

Today, I helped one of my sons drop a hard class that he was failing.  I wanted to cry, I felt like I was a failure for not pushing him harder and earlier to stay caught up.  He also seemed ready to cry as we discussed where he is and what needs to happen.  At times, I felt like we were giving up and that I'm not teaching him about perservering.  I worry that he feels like a failure because he has struggled to catch up with this very difficult class, and no matter how hard he works, it seems he can't keep up, and if I had been keeping him on track, he may have been able to do it.  As I discussed with his counselor the options that he has, I realized that I was forgetting about what real success is.  He has learned a lot about himself through this process.  He realizes now that he sacrificed the opportunity for growth in favor of temporary fun.  (Initially, we let him have more control over his time, and he squandered too much of it.  He watched too much youtube, played games on the computer, and spent too much time on distraction and got too far behind in many classes.)  Trying to catch back up, he has sacrificed sleep, mental health, social growth, and fun time, and those were necessary if he was going to actually get his grades and learning back to where it should have been if he had been keeping up and balancing things all along.  But at this point, his growth, balance of love and sacrifice, and his happiness are not worth sacrificing just so he can have one more CE class under his belt.  I wanted him to have the option to graduate high school with an associates degree, like his older brother.  But he is not his older brother.  And that is OK.  We are not all the same human being, and we are not all going to have the same bullet list of skills and accomplishments. So we are going to pull a Biles and pull away from this challenge so that he can do what he needs to do with the other classes and the other areas in his life.

Many times, I am sure people look at what they can see of my life: mom of 6 kids ranged from 18 years to 2 years old, (and now a grandmother to a tiny newborn), with no job (besides part time teaching piano lessons out of my home and tutoring math from home), no fancy cars, no prestige, no extreme wealth, no fancy clothing, and they think along the lines of "she has no idea what she's missed out on" or "I feel bad for her" or "she was brainwashed to be a stay-at-home mom and not have a career" or "why did they have that many kids?" Truly, there are times I question it too.  When I remember the things that are MOST important though, I remember that I have chosen a life that is poised and ready to help me grow in love, happiness, creation, learning and what I consider REAL success.  My children are still lacking in wisdom, and they do choose pleasure over real happiness far too often (as do many teenagers), but at the end of the day, deep down, they know what is real, and what matters most (and so many people do not).

Success.  To learn and truly understand about yourself and to be willing to make sacrifices for others but also for yourself.  To learn from your failures and from your good experiences.  To be able to spend quality time growing in love with the family and dear friends in your life. To have and take time to create, to grow, to find real happiness.  

Feeling all the feelings and being OK with it

This blog originally started as a form of therapy for me, I used it to write my emotions and my struggles and the things I learned as I dealt with the loss of our tiny Gideon back in 2014.   (Happy birthday Gideon!!) I have also found that it is helpful for me to write out my feelings, learning, and growth from other pieces of our lives too. 

Many of you who have followed along in my life and on my blog hear me share my good times and my bad, and sometimes they're the exact same moment--good and bad, heartwrenching and beautiful, growth and stretching that is painful but also strengthening and stimulating.  And I'm swimming through just such a time right now (and truly, sometimes it feels like I'm barely holding my head above water).

My oldest child is 18.  He's graduated high school and got an associates degree and we are so proud of him for working so hard to do so much while he's so young.  But he made some foolish decisions (which he admits, so I'm not just throwing him under the bus) and his girlfriend got pregnant, and we're disappointed that they didn't think logically and carefully about what they were doing.  However, he wants to give this child a home and a family and a life of love, and so does she, so they felt like they needed to get married.  Yes, married (I also had a little bit of shock about that, so if you're reeling, that's OK, it took me a while to process it too.)  They got married last week, and I'm so proud of them both for sacrificing and loving the baby before she's even born.  He's gone to every doctor's appointment with his wife so far, and I'm so glad he's trying to connect and understand all the things.  But I also think this is a whole lot they are trying to take on, and I worry that they're very unprepared. 

I'm sure you can imagine that my emotions are in a serious spin cycle right now.  I have felt like I'm broken as I experience all the highs and lows and topsy turvy emotions that there are to feel. 

I think I've felt all the things, and then wondered if there's something wrong with me for having such conflicting emotions. It's hard to watch my baby grow up. It's hard to watch the two of them work through the consequences of their choices. I'm proud. I'm disappointed. I'm embarrassed. I'm excited. I'm terrified. I'm hopeful. I'm nervous. I'm delighted. I'm hesitant. I'm happy and sad. I want to help them as much as I can without helping them too much.  I want to celebrate with them, but remind them to be responsible.  Some moments I feel totally overwhelmed, and others I feel very calm, and convince myself not to stress at all.  It's been quite a rollercoaster.  I know many parents experience similar rollercoasters as their children grow up.

So last week, besides planning for a wedding, I had the opportunity to go to girls camp with my oldest daughter.  It made for a very crazy week, but the time to just think, ponder, stretch, serve, and enjoy was a huge blessing amongst all the stressing and worrying and planning and preparing that I had been doing.  I don't know how many opportunities will pop up for me to be invited as her leader to girls camp, so I figured I'd better not miss this one.  (Which has its own beautiful lesson about seizing opportunities and making the most of them, which we are both grateful we did, despite a wedding happening at our home 2 days after we got back.)

While I was there, I did a morning yoga class with my daughter.  I am not a yoga"regular", but I have done it a few times before, (my sister first taught my children and I a mini yoga class) and I enjoy the strengthening and stretching, so we decided to go for it.  And my soul needed it.  Our instructor did such a great job of talking us through the emotional and spiritual side of yoga, besides the physical aspects of finding balance.  Push and pull.  Tighten this while relaxing that. Find tension and release it, etc.  Thinking about emotions in balance, I had a HUGE epiphany, which I REALLY needed.  I had been feeling like I was broken, stuck in this bizarre swirl of emotions: immersed in a tornado I couldn't escape.  Taking a few minutes to stretch and ponder, to feel gratitude, to open myself up to all the things I needed to learn from the trees and the grass and the world around me, I realized that I'm not broken and I'm not breaking; I'm growing.  Like a tree in wind, my roots are growing deeper, my limbs stronger.  Did you know that trees and plants actually grow stronger and better because of wind?  When they grew plants and trees in the biosphere, they found that they were too weak from lack of wind. (You can read about it here. The Role of Wind in a Tree's Life)

Trees grow slowly over time, but they have cycles of rapid and slower growth (which is what forms the rings in their trunks, actually.)  As I opened up my heart, I realized I am currently in a period of rapid growth.  So are my son and his new wife.  Growth can be stressful and it is often hard and painful, but growing is what life does. I don't need to feel like all these emotions are breaking me, or like I'm somehow less than my whole self because I'm experiencing so many emotions so often. I just need to keep trying to find my balance, find my push and pull, allow myself to hurt and rejoice all at the same time, to feel skeptical and hopeful and resilient and fragile and overwhelmed but also like I got this with God on my side.  And I'll grow.  And I don't really have control over whether they'll choose to grow or not, but I do hope they'll choose to grow.  Because I know that, for me, feeling like I'm growing feels WAY better than feeling like I'm broken.

Watching my daughter grow and try new things at girls camp was so awesome.  It was hard growth for her because it took her away from her comfort zone (even though I was there, she got pretty homesick.  Covid has not done my children any favors on being comfortable away from their home space.) But she stuck it out, and she ended up having a wonderful experience and feeling that connection with people and nature, finding new skills and hobbies and I'm so glad I got to be there to share it with her.  (On their turns, they each got to fire 4 arrows.  This turn, she was delighted that 4/4 hit the target and one nearly in the center.)

Listening to my son and his bride share their vows was a special experience I'm glad I got to witness. I hadn't shared on social media, because I wasn't prepared to deal with the conflicting emotions I knew I'd experience as friends and family sent me congratulations and also sent me "Wait, what is going on?" type messages.  Realizing that the conflicting emotions are going to be tricky to balance, but are necessary for growth, I'm much more ready to share now.  And if you have questions and want to reach out, go for it. I'll try to share openly and honestly. I am still working on finding my balance, so if I seem overly negative or too positive, know that I'm trying to figure it out, and I'm not there yet.  As always, I'm a work in progress. 

 I won't forget how cute they were feeding each other cake, or grinning at each other as they danced. 
I'm glad that her family has been so welcoming to our son.  I hope she feels welcomed and loved by our family. I am excited to love and "take in" more family members.  Of course I'm nervous for them, but I have learned from every person I have ever loved, and I'm excited to learn from these new people in my life, and hope for growth for all of us.  

So GROW, everybody.  GROW.  If you're having a hard time with anything going on in your life, it's OK to feel all the feelings.  Swirls of emotion help us grow, just like wind helps the trees.  And growing is what we're all here to do anyway.