Loss is still changing me

I was talking to someone about how you feel when you are very first given the news that someone you love is in the hospital, especially when their life is in danger.  It hurts, it's terrifying, in some ways it feels like everything freezes the moment the news breaks.  I remember feeling like it was wrong, 100% wrong for the whole world to continue turning when mine had just spun off its axis like that.  How could people continue going to work?  How could I carry on with life?  I'm sure anyone who's experienced a sudden tragedy, a death, an accident, an illness that really stopped them in their tracks can relate with that feeling.  Just for a few days, couldn't the entire world stop while I came to grips with what was going on?  Some days, I still wish the world could stop turning again, just to give me a minute to think, to feel, to remember, to not rush on with him gone.

A few months ago, a friend of mine received the horrifying news that her oldest son (in his early 20s) had passed away.  He had a genetic condition that was related to the health problems that caused his death, but it was still unexpected.  She is a therapist herself, and it has been so eye opening to me to see her post about the trauma and stress that she has experienced and that she's able to recognize in her life as a result of losing a child.  Her openness has helped me to realize that some of my issues are pretty normal for a parent coping with loss. 

Nightmares have become a huge part of my life since Gideon passed away.  I can't tell you the number of times I've had a dream where I watch one of my children drown or fall off a cliff since he passed away.  I have come to terms with the loss of my child, but my head and heart are terrified that I'll ever have to face the tragedy of losing a child again.  

My heart shatters with people I know if I hear that one of their children has died.  It hurts so much and I feel my own pain all over again as I sympathize with them.  I have shed tears with every friend of mine who has lost a child since I lost mine, whether they have known it or not.  

I still miss the milestones.  I miss him on his birthday, and on holidays.  I miss him when my other kids have their special moments: when we celebrate them getting A's, or at recitals or soccer games, or when they participate in their firsts.  The memories are something I did not get enough of, and I long for more.

I have a harder time now when my children leave my sight, to go to school or other places without me.  That sounds a little weird, but it is true, I'm afraid to lose them, I'm afraid to hurt again.

And both pregnancies I've experienced since Gideon's have been filled with far more anxiety than my earlier pregnancies were.  I am still eager for each ultrasound, but I'm also a little terrified that they'll find a problem that is life threatening and I'll have to endure it all again.

It's a rough road, it's definitely bittersweet.  There are a lot of things in my life that are harder since losing a child.

However, like the sky after a thorough rainstorm, there are some things that are clearer and more beautiful in my life as well.  And if all I did was talk about the negatives, I wouldn't be acknowledging the beautiful blessings I've experienced since Gideon passed away.

Along with the terror and fear of losing my children has come a sense of treasuring who they are and the moments that I have with them.  I'm grateful for the perspective that reminds me to love and treasure these moments, especially now that I have teenagers and a preteen who have quite the delightful temperament at times.  It helps me cope with this difficulty and at the end of the day, I can still hug them and sincerely love them, despite their occasional abrasive nature.

Along with the fear in the pregnancy came a realization of the miracle that a healthy human baby is.  When Miriam cried out in the hospital, I shed tears of joy, because this child could breathe, she could cry.  And even though a crying baby is no fun, I appreciated the fact that her lungs were that developed, and that she didn't have to spend time in the NICU.

The milestone days are hard, they are.  I want to know who he would be, so badly I wish I knew him better.  Again, though, this has taught me not to take the chances to get to know people for granted.  We live in a world where we're often very preoccupied by screens and not reality.  And I'm still guilty of spending too much time in those arenas too.  But I love the chance to have a sincere heart-to-heart with ANYONE, but especially my own family members, because all people are precious, and I am so grateful when I get to make those kind of real human connections.

There's nothing good about nightmares.  I can't think of a silver lining on that one.  I don't think I learn much from them, except to be grateful when I wake up and realize that I'm alive, my children and husband are OK.  But most of us have experienced that after a nightmare, I don't think I am the only one.  They're not fun.

I have also realized that, though the world never stops turning for anyone or anything, moments count.  Any moment can be precious if it's treated that way, made to be precious, and made to count.  Pictures capture moments, and I'm so grateful for the technology that allowed us to take pictures in the hospital and to remember the few moments we did have with Gideon, and for the memories I can capture and review through photographs or videos now and in the future.

Many people are absolutely baffled that I am pregnant again.   I honestly hate being pregnant.  It makes me so sick, it's uncomfortable, it's stressful, and I like my normal body so much better.  This is actually my 8th pregnancy, we had a miscarriage before I was pregnant with Gideon.  And I fully own that I'm at least a little crazy for doing this so many times, especially since I don't love it.  However, after Gideon's loss, I came to realize that, at least for me, raising a child is easier than burying one.  I love being a mother, even though it's incredibly hard.  Watching my children grow up, taking the moments to hold those babies and toddlers and to teach them, nothing else comes close to that experience.  Each human life is its own miracle, and my desire to participate in that miracle only grew as I felt and continue to feel the loss of my little boy.  Believe it or not, I actually thought Gideon was going to be the "caboose" in our family.  The changes my heart experienced definitely opened up my heart to the possibility and desire of having more children after we buried him.  The little girl we added to our family after Gideon brought so much joy into our family, and gave our waiting arms a chance to hold and love a little one, which we had TRULY felt like we missed.  Sometimes I feel a little bit bad for the children I had before Gideon's loss, because I didn't love and treasure their babyhood as much as I have after burying him and wishing he was here to cuddle and love.

I don't explain that because I think everyone who loses a baby should feel what I have felt, nor do I explain it because I am trying to talk anyone into dealing with things the way I have.  I don't expect anyone or everyone else to react to loss in the same way that I did.  Nobody should feel bad for deciding that, after a loss, they can't do it again and put themselves through the possibility of more pain.  Not everyone who loses a child will want to have more children after that, and that's OK.  Another thing I have realized and continue to be very aware of is that everyone's experience with loss is NOT THE SAME, and, as people, we have to allow grief to happen and heal in whatever way works for each individual.  Even my own husband and I do not always feel grief at the same level, at the same time, or always completely understand what the other one is thinking or feeling as we've journeyed through grief.  Even though many of our experiences with his loss were shared, we still don't feel exactly the same about everything.

One HUGE thing I've learned from this journey through the loss of my sweet boy is that life is such a different experience for each of us, and we can't expect any solution to be "one size fits all".  In our very polar world, many political parties assume that their "answers" should fit each and every person in the world.  I do agree that there are some rights and truths that should be universally applied to ALL people, but I think too often, we expect that one solution, one method will work for everyone.  We are all on such a different road, with different experiences and education, with different perspectives and power, with different abilities and gifts, that we have got to stop expecting everyone to have the same opinion as we do, or to do things the same way we would do them.  It is OK for us to realize that we are all on our own journey, and to appreciate the learning and perspective we can gain from each other, without having to agree on how its done.  Life and perspective is a blessing we so often take for granted, and I am grateful to have so many friends and family who don't see things in the same way as I do, but who have loved me and allowed me to be me through this journey.  I'm sure a few friends and family have wondered about me having more kids, about why I've shared my feelings, about why faith in God is so vital to me, but I appreciate that, despite our differences, they have let me share my perspective and been respectful, even if they don't agree. 

I'll share one last thought about something I've learned and am still sorting out how to deal with.  Each person who lives has so much potential to change the lives of the people around them.  Even my little Gideon, who only lived for a week, has massively impacted my life and the lives of people in my family.  How much more impact should I be able to have, having been alive over 1000 times longer than he?  I think those of us who are still so blessed to be alive often don't realize our potential to make the world better.  Feeling the impact of a human being who only lived a week has made me realize that my own impact could be so much greater, and that all people have an amazing potential to enlighten and uplift others, whether we seize the potential or not.  I'm not constantly motivated (because, really, who is?!) but I have noticed that since he died, I want to use that potential more and more. 

I keep on learning from loss, I keep growing and changing.  It's hard, painful growth, like when muscles break down and rebuild themselves stronger and better.  Superman said "No pain, no gain" and there's much wisdom in that.  

Saltness

Before anyone reads this, it will be helpful for you to understand a few things about me.  First, I'm not a scriptorian, at least not yet.  I hope to get better and do better, but right now, I'm still learning and I don't remember everything I learn.  I do love what I feel and what I learn when I do invest the time in the scriptures, though. Second, I believe that there was life before this life, and there is life after this life.  I believe we lived with our Heavenly Father as His spirit children before we came to Earth as part of our learning journey, and that the journey will continue afterward.  And third, I love words.  I enjoy poetry, I enjoy writing, I like learning about how words and sayings came to be, and I tend to notice spelling and grammatical errors or peculiarities.

So I was reading in Mark 9 a few days ago, and I noticed something I'd never seen before.  I've heard the "salt of the earth" scripture quoted many times, and the idea of "salt losing its savor" makes sense to me.  But the way it's worded in Mark 9 made me think about this in a whole new way.  Verse 50 says "Salt is good: but if the salt have lost his saltness, wherewith will ye season it? Have salt in yourselves, and have peace one with another."

Saltness?!  What an unusual way of putting it.  I started to think about how adding "ness" to the end of any word basically characterizes how it what it is.  "Superheroness" would be what makes a superhero super.  "Katie-ness" would be what makes me who I am.  And that thought stopped me and led to my next epiphany. 

So the Savior has been talking to His apostles about being better, doing better, choosing to "cut off" parts that are keeping them from their divine potential.  In Matthew 5, when He gives the sermon on the mount, He's explaining to everyone how to be their best selves, a higher and holier way.  But I never thought of this as being 100% true to the "ness" of who we ARE, not who we are right now here on Earth, but who we always have been.  If salt loses its saltness, it has ceased to be what it is.  If we each individually lose our "ness", we cease to be who we truly are, who we were destined to be, who we TRULY are and would be proud to have become.

It is such a beautiful, but perhaps not the most obvious way of telling each one of us, "Don't lose who you are.  Don't let go of the true you, who you really are and have been.  Hold onto yourself and have peace one with another." 

I just loved this whole concept.  It makes the idea of living righteously seem so much easier to me (not that it suddenly becomes easier to get my family ready for church or takes less time to study scriptures) but instead of feeling like I'm reaching for something I'm not, it feels like I'm reaching for something that I truly AM. 

By their fruits

Of course, I really detest all crime, but one of the criminal behaviors that does not make a lot of sense to me is vandalism.  Why in the world would anyone destroy something that someone else created...just for the love of destruction?  I know that sometimes it may be "innocent" (as in when a toddler knocks down a block tower, or paints nail polish all over the place when trying to make things beautiful), but when an adult with full understanding and comprehension destroys something, I just don't understand the motivation at all.

I have started to look at the different news stories where I see senseless destruction and apply it in new and different ways, particularly as it applies to building up or tearing down other people.  It has gotten to the point where I don't understand the senseless destruction that I now see around me every single day.

"By their fruits, ye shall know them" is a phrase often quoted among Christians, and a phrase I have realized that I have taken for granted in my life.  (Matthew 7:20)  This scripture (and more importantly its message) is one that I wish were taken seriously by all of humanity, not just Christians.

Over the last few months, there have been two separate weeks when I have given up social media for a week.  Each week felt like a long time, because I really love connecting with old friends and family that I rarely see, even if it's just in small ways--a picture, a funny moment, a favorite recipe they tried or want to try.  I missed the funny videos and gifs; I enjoy a good distraction just like anyone does.  I did not miss the derogatory comments, the negative and "debbie downer" type posts, or the political battles that are so often present there.  Sometimes I think about giving it up completely, just to avoid the destruction that I see tossed out like confetti.

 

However, I truly love the miracle of the positive influence a person can have on another.  I have been on either side of this very miracle at many different times in my life.  I know that a good person in the right place, at the right time, with the right inspiration can literally be a life saver.  I love the opportunities social media gives me to reach out to those who may need it, and I love that I can ask for help or prayers and have hundreds of friends sending positive thoughts or prayers my way.  Conversely, people have the power to destroy.  And I see so much destruction when I go on social media.  I do see good too, and that's what I love, but I am becoming increasingly horrified at the amount of awful, unkind, and destructive things that people say to each other when they are on the internet.

I've shared this Indian proverb before, but it ties in with my thoughts, so I'll share it again.

One evening, an elderly Cherokee brave told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.  “My dear one, the battle between two ‘wolves’ is inside us all. One is evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.  The other is good. It is: joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”  The grandson thought about it for a moment and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf wins?”  The old Cherokee replied, “The one you feed.”

You don't have to be a Christian to believe that good and evil influence everyone.  Because I am a Christian, it influences my writing, my behavior, and my actions, and I share my thoughts because I think others can benefit from them, whether or not you see eye to eye with me on Christianity or any other issues.  Several scriptures explain that Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father are great creators (Isaiah 40:28, John 1:3, Hebrews 11:3), while Satan is a destroyer (Exodus 12:23.)  Jesus Christ represents truth, light and love (John 15:9-11, John 8:12), while Satan represents darkness, deception, and hate.  (Revelation 12:9, 2 Nephi 2:18). 

None of this is news to anyone, whether you are Christian or not--it's pretty basic summary of some basic beliefs of Christianity.  But here's a thing that so many people have forgotten: by their fruits ye shall know them.  Sometimes people start out thinking they are on the right path--for example, a person who is doing their best to go to church each Sunday and read their scriptures, and then spend so much time belittling others who don't see things the way they do or judging others for not being as good as they are, that their fruits become judgement, destruction, and hate--none of which truly embody what Christ represents.

Like the Pharisees that lived during the time of Christ, who professed to know, believe, and understand the scriptures in deeper and better ways than the "unlearned and unclean" people all around them, some Christians get a little high and mighty and distracted in their ways.  The Pharisees couldn't recognize the actual Savior when He was in front of them, because they were so busy nitpicking details and looking for proof that He was a blasphemer that they couldn't see His fruits: His miracles, His spirit, the way people feel when they truly listen to His words.  The pharisees destroyed good people, turned good people away from the desire to know and understand the scriptures because their fruits became criticism, excessive judgement, attention to the tiniest details without paying attention to the big things, and loftiness. 

I truly hope that people don't take away that I think all Christians are comparable to Pharisees: that is not my intent at all.  I know so many people (Christian and not) who truly do their best to share truth in kind and loving ways, to help others for good, to create happiness and a better world.  The POINT is that we need to be aware of what our fruits are. 

Whether you are Christian or not, whether you are Republican or Democrat, if you say things that are destructive and hateful, you are feeding the wrong wolf.  As a Christian, if you judge others, if you are pious and lofty and critical, then you truly are being more like a Pharisee than a humble follower of the Savior.  If you say things with the intent to educate, to help people think and understand, to build, to create, to help people to be happier, and to add light to the world, then you are feeding the right wolf. (And if you're a Christian, THOSE are the true fruits of those who follow the Savior.)

The idea behind this post is perhaps wasted, since most people who read my blog are already trying hard to feed the right wolf, to make the world better. But maybe it'll reach one or two people and make them think before they say something.  Maybe it'll save a life.  Maybe it'll get someone thinking.  Maybe...