Giving thanks

First, let it be said that I love being grateful.  God commands us to do it, and I believe he knows what he’s doing, and have seen evidence in my life as to why being grateful is good for me. Beyond my own observation, studies have shown that showing gratitude is good for your health. Lest you not believe me, here are a few articles to back up my words.

How Being Thankful Can Help You be Healthy

Fox News, Thanksgiving Science

However, this has been one of the most challenging Thanksgivings I have ever had.  I am still grateful for much, but it was hard to focus on my gratitude today, as I have missed my baby so much.  Holidays and family memory days just bring it home, his absence is much more tangible. He was one of several babies born this year in my husband's family, and I got to see ALMOST all of them today.  Growing, crawling, playing peekaboo, snuggles, sleeping on shoulders, it was a little hard to see today.  Watching others with their babies and feeling it pull my heart strings isn’t what I had planned for my Thanksgiving this year and I felt it a lot today.  

I normally have a heart brimming full of gratitude, and it comes easily.  Today hasn’t been like other Thanksgivings for me.  My emotions have been close to the surface all day, and so have my husband’s.  I want it back, I want my happy, easy Thanksgivings back.  I am not sure it will ever be the same.

In my attempt to focus on gratitude, I thought that it might help if I started to list those things I am truly grateful for. My heart hurts, and gratitude is not the easiest thing to focus on, but when I muscle my way past my sad, it feels like opening the curtain to a beautifully set stage and watching a drama unfold. There's a lot behind that curtain, it's just a hard curtain to pull back sometimes.

1. I have a home.  A nice home with multiple bedrooms and a kitchen and electricity, and more than one bathroom and running water.  To many people in the world, my house probably seems like a mansion.  I am very grateful for my mansion.

2. I have access to modern, miraculous medicine.  Anyone who has ever been in an NICU or has been treated for strep knows the difference good medicine can make in your health.  And even though the NICU couldn’t save my baby’s life so that he was here with me this year, they kept him alive long enough for me to get to hold him, and for my kids to get to give him kisses and sing to him, and we have memories with him.  For a while, we weren’t even sure we’d get that, and I’ll take that miracle.

3. Perhaps this is a silly thing, but I am grateful for this flower, which bloomed today.

I love plants, I love gardens. This time of year, there aren't so many in bloom. We received this beautiful plant on the day of Gideon's funeral. It bloomed well for a few weeks, and hasn't bloomed again until today. I think that God and Gideon planned to let me know that he's not as far away today with this beautiful gift.

4. I am grateful for my children. I am in love with each of them, and my heart strings are plucked more frequently now than ever when I see them smile, when they finish their first chapter book, when they play a piano song in front of people, when they find good ways to solve their problems, when they smile, when they play nicely and give hugs. Sadly, my heart strings are also more sensitive to the sad moments, when my kids cry, when they fight, when they don't do well in school, and I am more prone to cry about things that normally wouldn't have hurt so much. I heard it said that with deeper pain comes a capability to feel more joy, which I have found to be true. I joy in many more things much more than I used to, but I also find sadness in things more than I used to.

5. I am grateful for my fabulous friends. I have had many who have been sensitive to my feelings, who have been paying attention and seen my hard moments, who have known what I have needed and helped fill that. I have many who have just listened, who have tried to understand, who have given me reassurance and empathy and love and who have let me have my sad moments and let me have my happy moments and not judged.

6. I am so so thankful to have a wonderful relationship with my family, including my in laws. I know lots of people who grunt and groan over spending time with their in-laws. Not me. I love coming from a big family (1 brother, 3 sisters) and I wanted to have a big family myself, and my in-laws are an even bigger family that I love being a part of. I have a bunch of brothers and sisters that I love and respect deeply, who are also friends to me. I love being an aunt, I am blessed with a plethora of nieces and nephews, and I adore them all. I was able to hold a few babies today, which helped my heart when it was missing my own baby. I am a huge fan of anyone in my family, on either side.

7. I am grateful for distractions. I teased my son a little bit about saying he was grateful for entertainment when we were listing things we were grateful for. (We have a fake tree. Each branch that goes on the tree has to have a "I am grateful for....") The truth is, though, that the entertainment and distractions have been very helpful to our family during the difficult moments. We are all big fans of America's Funniest Home Videos. When I would bring home bad news from the hospital, we would talk about what was happening, and then we'd cry, and then we'd watch AFV to laugh it off. I have needed the laughter release, and so I too am grateful for entertainment.

8. I am grateful for kind strangers. Yesterday, I got a phone call from a person who had heard me speak a few weeks ago, who said she felt like she needed to give me a CD of songs that might touch my heart and that were very relevant to my situation. She got my address and came and delivered it with a hug. My nurse from the hospital wrote to me and told me how much she had loved helping me and how sorry she was about our baby. People I don't know very well have been so kind, I have been grateful for the charity in the hearts of people. It restores my faith in humanity.

9. Scott. Oh my goodness, I don't know even how to say how thankful I am for my husband. Statistics don't look good for couples who have to deal with the loss of a child. 90% end in divorce, but I don't see ours going that way. If anything, our marriage has gotten better, as we have committed more firmly to our relationship. We want to be together and enjoy our living children. We don't want the mess of custody battles, we already know how it feels to lose a child, and we don't want to lose any more to each other. Nobody understands what I am experiencing like he does. And nobody understands him like I do. He's my best friend, my closest companion, and he has the ability to calm me in ways that nobody else can. I went into shock at the hospital and shook for almost an hour. I felt cold, I couldn't get warm, I just shook. The nurse brought me warm blankets, they kept pumping me with fluids, I almost fainted, I felt barely conscious. It wasn't until Scott wrapped his arms around me that I was able to quit shaking. I don't ever want to lose that, he's the best medicine for me. Ever.

10. This is as long as I will make this list, so I have to list the #1 thing that has helped me through (Scott is a very close second). My faith. I am so grateful for my faith. People who don't believe in God sometimes joke that believing in God or Jesus is like believing in Santa Claus. They see it as childish and petty and stupid. And if they want to see me as childish, petty, and stupid, I suppose I will deal with that. Here's the thing: our world, our solar system, the human body, they run more efficiently than any machine that humans can create. If I found a watch laying in the middle of the desert, I'd pick it up and know that someone had created it. I wouldn't just think it had spontaneously put itself together, I would know it had a creator. I think the same credit should be given to the creator of the earth, of animals, plants, and human beings. 

I am glad to know that God is my creator, that he has a plan for me, and that Gideon was part of my plan here on earth, and that he will be part of the plan for me after I am resurrected. I love reading the Bible and Book of Mormon, the scriptures bring me comfort and help me to feel his love. I have had inspiration that has answered deep questions and wonders in my life which has come from me praying and asking for an answer, and then having the words of a scripture come to my heart, or feeling that I need to go read Phillipians 4, or whatever other prompting in my heart. And I find answers. I have had healing come through priesthood blessings. I take great comfort in my creator. I don't know why this has happened to our family, I am trying really hard to be a good Mom, I feel like I should get to have my baby here, and I can't tell you why Gideon was only able to come for a brief visit. I don't have to know the answers now, though. I have practiced trusting in the Lord enough that I will trust that he has an answer to why this has happened and that one day I will know. Call it "believing in Santa Claus", but it's helping me to cope with dignity and strength and happiness, so I'll take my "Santa Claus" and all the joy it brings me over the destitution and emptiness that would be in my heart if I believed that it was the end. I am SO grateful for my faith.

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope all who read this don't have to try as hard as I do to pull back the curtain to find gratitude in your lives, but even if it is a challenge, I hope you take it. The stage is set, there is much to be grateful for.

Contagious!!

The last week has been a particularly trying one, not having so much to do with the loss of our Gideon as just life as a parent.  Hyrum got pinworms (diagnosed on Tuesday) , and then our James got strep on Saturday.  My life has become a whirlwind of trying to eliminate all potential germs/eggs.   I am not one to be OCD, but everything looks like germs to me lately.

Yes, those ARE Yo-Yos posing as germs....

I have bleached my kitchen multiple times (floor, counter, sink, cupboards, insides of drawers we use regularly), I have washed sheets, blankets, cleaned out the children's drawers and washed EVERYTHING in hot, often with some bleach.  I have dumped entire bins of blocks/toys into a bathtub of bleach water to try and eliminate germs/eggs.  I have missed classes so that I could keep our contagiousness home and try to get rid of it.

Scott and I talked about how nice it would be to have an "exempt card" once you have been through a rough, soul-shaking trial, where for a few months nothing bad could happen to you.  Sadly, life doesn't work that way.  We also wondered what we could learn from this, feeling now more than ever that there is a purpose to all we do.

So here are some of the things I have learned this week, from pinworms and strep, and particularly from being contagious.

First, I have to recite this awesome quote that I have loved for a very long time.  It's pretty much the theme for this entire post, so pay attention!

"Your attitude is contagious, is it worth catching?"

I have thought a lot about this, especially as our family has been highly contagious.  I have wished that positive attitudes and strong faith could be as contagious as pinworms.  Drop a few little hints at happiness, a few smiles, a hug, a sweet act of kindness, and even days later the effects could be felt, and truly, even felt stronger than when they initially started.  Wouldn't that be great?

And then I have thought about people who have touched my life in small ways, who were able to deeply affect my happiness, and who continue to influence me, even just in my memory.  My grandpa Kidd was a sweet man, very playful, such a tease.  I loved the way he said "Dad gummit" when he was frustrated.  (Perhaps he said worse things than that when his grandchildren weren't around, but that's what I remember.) I loved his hugs.  I haven't seen my Grandfather in 17 years, but his love and playful attitude have been something I cherish and foster in my life.  They were as contagious as pinworms.

Sometimes it has been the other way too.  People who have done or said unkind things, who have judged me wrongly in ways that hurt, as much as I try to just forget those types of things, they just don't go away.  Those too have been as contagious as pinworms.  Weeks, months, years later, the effects are still there, the feelings can still be hurt anew.  No amount of "bleaching", "cleaning", or "washing" can undo those things. (Yet...)

I don't know if we all realize how contagious we are.  Every day, the things you do may not only affect someone's life that day, but every day after this one.  An act of kindness, a smile, spending time with someone, giving a word of caution, it could save a life.  It could damage one.

To prevent spreading our negative contagiousness, I have made my children bath and wash A LOT.  All our  hands are pretty dry, and we are working on treating that too.  We are not only trying to keep the negativity from leaving our own bubble, but we are working on eradicating it IN our bubble.  Thinking about how contagious our attitudes are, I have concluded that the world would be an infinitely more enjoyable place if everyone decided to isolate and then eliminate negativity from the inside.  That includes me, I definitely have moments where I need to stop, wash the negativity off of myself before I go anywhere, and then work on getting it out of my heart.

Negativity (and pinworms) hide really well.  Nobody knew that we had them (until I posted it on facebook, which I did out of consideration for those who may have had any contact with us), even we didn't, until I saw them.  Pinworms and negativity are often both a slow, subtle progression, sometimes with no symptoms happening for a while.  I have become a very diligent cleaner, even though I am not a fan of cleaning.  I don't want these to be a part of our life, I want them out.

Negativity can do that too.  It's easy to hold on to anger, to frustration, to bad experiences.  Sometimes I think we even store them up so that we have "weapons" in our arsenal to use against other people.  In thinking about "what can I learn from pinworms", and my epiphany about being so very contagious, I feel that I need to be much more diligent about cleaning out my arsenal, because it gets pretty heavy to carry that stuff around all the time, and it just messes you up.

Sometimes, like strep, there are alarming symptoms that spring up out of the blue.  James was running around and playing in the morning, and by the mid afternoon, was complaining of being cold and a sore throat, and then a headache, and then he got a fever, and he didn't have any energy.  Unfortunately, he seems to get strep a lot, so I am getting pretty good at recognizing his symptoms, and they are often that way, he's playing and having fun and I have no idea that by the end of the day he will feel like death.  I think negativity can do that too.  Sometimes it doesn't build up slowly, sometimes it just comes on fast and hard and ugly and wipes us out, and if we aren't being careful to treat it and stay away from people, we have the potential to spread an awful lot of "nasty" all around.

On a positive note, in my crazy busy life, I have had more time at home with my kids, since we were trying to keep our "yuck" to ourselves.  I have loved the time with my family, even if some of it was spent bleaching my house and doing 38,241 loads of laundry.  (OK...that's probably an exaggeration, but it has felt like a never ending battle with daily sheet/blanket washing, towel replacing, and the cleaning out of entire sets of drawers/closets.)  The extra does make me look at the pictures on the wall more and miss my baby.  Time spent with my children does that now, it carries with it a taste of sadness that was never there before.  It also helps me to be grateful for their lives, for the things they say and do.  I am more inclined to laugh now than I was before at the silly things they have a fit over (Mom, that's a flowery pillowcase, and I'm a boy.)  I am getting better at not sweating the small stuff, and focusing on the bigger picture. (That being said, hand washing is no longer considered the small stuff, though.  That is a SERIOUS VIOLATION!!)

Pinworms and strep this week have made me realize that I am on a quest not only to rid my house of germs, but of fault finding, backbiting, guilt, anger, jealousy, dishonesty, and bitterness, and instead to fill it with laughter, trust, happiness, truth, peace, confidence (but not overconfidence), and love.  Just like bleaching my entire house, vacuuming and scrubbing floors, cleaning out closets and drawers, and washing all of everything and anything, that is a huge task.  Insurmountable, really.  But unlike cleaning my house and all it entails, which I am trying to do by myself so as not to spread germs to other people, I don't have to do the healing of my household by myself.

 I don't have to be the do all, catch all, be all peace maker, confidence instiller, love giver, honesty detector.  I can involve my Savior.  He makes it possible for me to one day be able to eventually get over those things that still bring hurt to my heart.  And I look forward to that time with my whole heart.  I look forward to that complete healing, but I also am grateful for the healing power that I can experience now, for the comfort I feel from him, and for his power to eliminate negativity, not only in my life but in the lives of those I might accidentally hurt.  What a super hero.  I am so grateful for his help in my life.

Today, I am grateful for the lessons I am learning, and for Jesus and his love and healing power in my life, but I still think an exempt card would be nice.

Memory triggers

My emotions have been very triggered by the video of the father who sang "Blackbird" to his newborn son.  It has gone viral, several of my friends have posted it on facebook.  If you haven't seen it yet, here is a link.

Viral Charge article/video: father singing to dying baby

This has pulled on my heart strings, bringing back memories that I have of our baby, of the background noises of the NICU, the scrubbing in, the tubes and wires, the "incubator" that kept my baby warm once he left the safety/growth of my body.  Seeing this has made me wonder if I should have posted our videos from our last day with Gideon, when we sang to our dying baby, also hooked up with cords, tubes, with the noise of the ventilators in the background.  If I could post them on my blog, I would, because I would love to share those moments with those who care to see them.  But I don't know that I want the whole world to see.  In some ways, perhaps it would increase the support system, lots of people praying and hoping for our happiness.  I am afraid to put them out there though, because there are always those trolls.  And for every 100 people that may say or do something positive, I am not sure if I could handle any comments that were rude, judgemental, or that downplayed and judged my grief, or anyone else's.  That is the #1 reason I never put our videos of singing to our baby out there.

If you haven't noticed in previous posts, I am REALLY not OK with people judging others trials.  Nobody can know what another person is going through.  None of us have identical memories, identical strengths and weaknesses, identical family situations, identical motivations, or identical situations.  We can feel empathy, and we should be kind and reach out to others who may be going through something similar, or even something that we think is hard.  But don't say "I understand" if you don't.  Don't say "I know what you're going through." when you don't.

Sometimes it's OK to say "I don't know what to say, but I am thinking about you, and my heart aches for you."  It's OK to say "I am so sorry."  Those are words with truth behind them, they mean something.

Our Gideon...When he was first born, I had been having some weird stuff going on with my throat.  My voice was raspy and hoarse.  Maybe it was from too much crying, or from celebrating at my brother's wedding the week before.  I wanted to sing to him, but had no voice.  When we knew he potentially had a lethal condition, one of the things I really hoped for was the chance to sing to him.  I prayed for some time, I prayed that my kids would be able to have the chance to see him before he passed away.  And I prayed that my throat would get better, so I could sing to my baby.  I love music, it is a huge part of my life, and was something he had heard in the womb.

Both of those prayers were answered.  He was here long enough, and my throat got better in time for me to be able to sing to him, not only by myself, but with my family.  He lived long enough for our kids to get to come see him twice, and they were each able to hold and kiss him.  Seeing the videos of this man, who was grateful for the four days he got to have with his baby, makes me even more grateful that I got to have a week with mine.  If you didn't follow the link, this is what he says at the end:

I am so thankful for the four unforgettable days I got to spend with him.

His mommy would have been so beyond joy to see him and to hold him, touch him, bathe him, sing to him – as I have had the privilege of doing.

I have been so blessed and honored to love him before he was formed, to cherish him while mommy carried him, meet him face to precious face, and hold his perfect little body while we said “goodbye for now”.

We held Gideon.  We sang to him.  I don't know how this daddy held it together when he sang because I struggled when I tried to sing.  I can't sing and cry, and I am not good at keeping my emotions inside of me.  I wish I could have sung straight through without having to recollect myself.  Some of the songs we sang to Gideon still make me cry.  Give Said the Little Stream is a sweet song, but we sang it to him when he was alive, and we have sung it at his grave more than once.  It holds now a sweet sadness, a different flavor than it used to.  I am so grateful that I got to meet Gideon, and that I haven't had to go through the loss of a spouse on top of it.  I am so grateful that I got 7 days, instead of just 4.  That my kids got to meet their brother.  I am grateful for the knowledge that it was not "goodbye" but just "goodbye for now."

At least one person has asked why we were smiling when this picture was taken.  There are a lot of reasons, but here is a brief explanation.  Our hearts were full of both joy and sadness that day.  It was a miracle that we got time with him at all.  I was so glad I got to sing to him.  We had a one week birthday party for him, and the kids colored on the tiny blanket that you can see in this picture, and gave it to him.  Those moments are beyond precious to me, and I was happy to have them.  I was happy to be able to hold my baby, even though I knew I wouldn't get to have him with me for very long.

Reading the story of the father and his tiny son, and watching him sing, I was so happy for him, for the memories he got to make, and I feel so glad that the father got the chance to sing to his son.  That song, those times, will probably always be so precious to him.  As I see people post about it, I know that our Gideon will always be precious to us, and that many people empathize for a loss such as this.  I am grateful for the strength and the courage of the man, for sharing his story and his words, because they have reminded me to be so grateful for the time I had with my baby, and to be grateful to still have the rest of my family with me.  His story has made me cry in sad and happy ways, it has been a terrific reminder to have a heart full of gratitude, and to remember that the end of life is not really the end.

Moments I might have missed, a party with lemons

All of these pictures have been taken since our sweet Gideon died.  In our efforts to make the most of it, we have had lots of joyous moments since then.   I am often painfully aware of all that I am missing out on by Gideon passing away.  I watch my sweet nieces and nephew make the progress that babies make: rolling, sitting with help, sitting independently, scooting, crawling, etc. and know that if he were here, he would get to do all these phases soon. 

However, if he were here, he would likely have only gotten home from the NICU just recently.  Our lives would have been full of hospital time, and we might have missed some of these moments.  So here's me looking at the bright side, the what I got to have with my family.
 


Hyrum, James, & Alydia, excitedly holding up a "monster" carrot.  We would not have had the time or energy to have had this moment, if Gideon had still been in the NICU.  Gardening would definitely have taken a back seat, and even if the kids magically were inspired to garden without us, I wouldn't have been there to be able to take this picture.

 

Here's an awesome one taken on or around the day I posted about Rain and Tears.   It's a gorgeous FULL rainbow, taken from my front lawn.  That garage on the left, and the flowers, those are mine.  There was so much rain this summer, and I cried lots of tears with many of those rain storms, but rain means rainbows.  It means gardens that are watered when a Mom and baby are in the hospital, and when Mom is recovering and too overwhelmed to keep the garden alive.  It means sweet smelling air, and it reminds me of a quote by Dieter F. Uchtdorf, one of the 12 Apostles.  "How much of life do we miss by waiting to see the rainbow before thanking God that there is rain?"  This post is an effort for me to "thank God for the rain" even though I still hurt a lot.

Rain & Tears & Rainbows

 
 
 
  My son was due right around my niece's first birthday.  I wondered if they might even share a birthday.  Our family was able to go to her party, watch her eat cake (or play with it) for the first time, and that probably wouldn't have happened if Gideon had been well and born on time.

This was taken on a hike about 10 minutes away from our house.  Scott and I went up here a few times to get away from things.  It feels really good to briskly hike when you are mad or upset or frustrated, and better to do it with your very best friend.  We took our children up one day as well.  This hike was quite therapeutic for the two of us.  Had I still been pregnant, I likely wouldn't have been so keen on hiking.  Had Gideon still been in the hospital, I likely wouldn't have made the time to go take a hike with my husband, to get away from it all.  I'd have too many things I had to do with the time spent at/near home.

 

 Not many days after Gideon's funeral, we were able to go to the Ogden Temple Open House with our family, see the beautiful new temple, and talk about eternity and heaven and Jesus with our children.  This picture was taken on that day.  Our summer was crazy, with weddings, campouts, and then "surprise" a baby coming 2 and a half months early and only living a week.  I had not made reservations for the open house.  A friend of mine had a reservation for 7 that she ended up not being able to use, and we were able to go.  She told me that the 7th one was for Gideon, and she figured he'd meet us there.  While I didn't necessarily feel him there, it doesn't mean he wasn't there with us.  I'm so glad we got to go.  

Hyrum as Spiderman

 Last, but not least, Halloween.  My original thoughts and plans were that I would be home with a newborn baby on Halloween.  I was going to let Ethan take his younger siblings trick or treating to maybe 10-15 houses that were close by, within eyesight of our front room, and that was it.  We were not going to go to any Halloween carnivals, parties, or etc with our newborn baby.  And while I'd have rather had the baby than all the trick or treating and carnivals and etc., we were able to have lots of fun making memories and enjoying time with friends and family. 

Life has definitely handed us a few lemons, and that's not very fun.  But when you have more lemons than you can even make lemonade with, why not share them?  Why not make lemon meringue pie, and lemon bars, and have a party?  That's what this post is all about.  I miss my boy, and wish I could have had so much more time with him, BUT I have been richly blessed with a gratitude for the time I do have here with my family, and I still have other beautiful and fun children, a terrific husband, and a huge and wonderful support group of family and friends who are all that much more dear to me.