For years, I have been so impressed with the story of Peter. As a child, I remember judging him harshly--he was walking on the water with the Savior and then he just started sinking?? How could that happen with Jesus right there? He denied Jesus 3 times?? But as I've grown up and real life slaps you around a little bit, I am much more aware of how Peter might have felt, what he might have been experiencing, and I have come to realize that faith and fear often exist in the same space and can really be a raging battle between the two.
That is how I feel right now. In January, Scott and I went to the ER because he was in so much pain and they discovered that he had a few kidney stones he would need to pass. They also discovered a dissection (which is a small tear in the inner lining of the artery wall) in his celiac artery (in his abdomen). It is a big concern and something to keep an eye on, so he has regular CT scans now to be sure it has not grown. Throughout the last 9 months or so, as he has had increased pain in his head and his chest, we have discovered more and more problems that he has--there is an aneurysm in his carotid artery near his spine. And the most recent discovery is that his aorta has an aneurysm too. All these problems are normally eventually treated with surgery, if they get big enough or bad enough, and his are at the threshold where they'd typically watch and wait. But that aorta...since he seems to have a propensity to have his arteries bulge or tear, that one is a big concern, because if it tears, it's likely to just rupture, and that's deadly. So he's facing a major surgery (we're not sure how soon, we'll hopefully learn more about that this next week when we visit the doctor.) Like they have to open up his chest and replace a section of his aorta. He'll probably spend several days recovering in the ICU before hopefully returning to a regular hospital room and eventually coming home.
For those who have been following our very challenging 2023, you also know that Scott was laid off at the beginning of summer, so the job he has now is relatively new, he started this new job in late August. The potential problem this presents is that he is not protected by the Family Medical Leave Act and could possibly lose this job if his company doesn't want to have him gone for several weeks. We hope not, but it's a real possibility, since they're currently in the middle of a project and it's behind schedule, and he is in charge (when he started there, he took over for someone else who had been the project manager.) The timing is terrible for him to have to take several weeks off.
AND I have a second mammogram this week, because they want another look after the one I had done in late October. All by itself, this would be less scary, but throwing it on top of what Scott is facing and I just feel a sense of dread about it.
There are moments when I feel this absolute peace, I know I'm stepping out into the darkness a little bit, and I know that this might be a scary, bumpy journey, but I feel like I'm doing it while holding Scott's hand in one hand and the Lord's hand in the other, so it's all going to be fine. I truly believe that whatever the outcome, the Lord knows how to make beautiful things out of chaos and confusion, and He has shaped my life in beautiful ways already, even using tragedy that I've had to experience.
And then a wave of fear will hit and I will start to sink. I am feeling ALL the Peter vibes lately. I can be doing the impossible--walking on the water with Jesus and feeling peace despite all the craziness, and then I look at the medical appointments and the holiday season coming up and the possibility of a lost job, or of Scott not waking up (he STRUGGLED to wake up after his hernia surgery a few years ago, so that's a big scare for me too) and I just feel so nervous about it all that I want to cry and hide and puke and it's hard to breathe. I want to have all the faith and just calmly walk with Jesus, but those waves are REAL. They hit hard. And when I see them and feel them, they're hard to ignore. I have had to call out for help lots of times as I start to sink.
I know what I have felt as I have had those moments of peace. I know I was inspired to go back to work 16 months ago, which didn't make logical sense to me. At the time, my youngest was 3 and still at home so I had to find her childcare and I've missed out on some of her last time before she goes to school, and at the time, we did not need the money, Scott makes plenty for our needs. I truly felt like I was being guided to do this as preparation in case something happened to Scott, and we've saved every single penny I earned because we didn't need it at the time, it was just extra money to build up our rainy day fund. In hindsight, that inspiration makes much more sense now than it did then. I know that God watches out for me. But it's easy to forget it, and worry and freak out, even just minutes after that peace comes.
Our family is still so young in so many ways, and I feel so overwhelmed by all that we are facing right now.Peter was able to call for help and reach out for the Savior's hand to lift him back up, then walk on water with Jesus. And I feel like that's what I've got to do too. Except I think Peter is WAY stronger than I am, because he only sank once, and I feel like even while holding Jesus' hand, I'd probably start sinking a little about every 5 seconds and have to call out for reassurance again and again and again. I truly believe that Jesus will respond to my repeated requests though and has the patience to help me despite my weakness. I appreciate this story so much, especially right now.
