This blog originally started as a form of therapy for me, I used it to write my emotions and my struggles and the things I learned as I dealt with the loss of our tiny Gideon back in 2014. (Happy birthday Gideon!!) I have also found that it is helpful for me to write out my feelings, learning, and growth from other pieces of our lives too.
Many of you who have followed along in my life and on my blog hear me share my good times and my bad, and sometimes they're the exact same moment--good and bad, heartwrenching and beautiful, growth and stretching that is painful but also strengthening and stimulating. And I'm swimming through just such a time right now (and truly, sometimes it feels like I'm barely holding my head above water).
My oldest child is 18. He's graduated high school and got an associates degree and we are so proud of him for working so hard to do so much while he's so young. But he made some foolish decisions (which he admits, so I'm not just throwing him under the bus) and his girlfriend got pregnant, and we're disappointed that they didn't think logically and carefully about what they were doing. However, he wants to give this child a home and a family and a life of love, and so does she, so they felt like they needed to get married. Yes, married (I also had a little bit of shock about that, so if you're reeling, that's OK, it took me a while to process it too.) They got married last week, and I'm so proud of them both for sacrificing and loving the baby before she's even born. He's gone to every doctor's appointment with his wife so far, and I'm so glad he's trying to connect and understand all the things. But I also think this is a whole lot they are trying to take on, and I worry that they're very unprepared.
I'm sure you can imagine that my emotions are in a serious spin cycle right now. I have felt like I'm broken as I experience all the highs and lows and topsy turvy emotions that there are to feel.
I think I've felt all the things, and then wondered if there's something wrong with me for having such conflicting emotions. It's hard to watch my baby grow up. It's hard to watch the two of them work through the consequences of their choices. I'm proud. I'm disappointed. I'm embarrassed. I'm excited. I'm terrified. I'm hopeful. I'm nervous. I'm delighted. I'm hesitant. I'm happy and sad. I want to help them as much as I can without helping them too much. I want to celebrate with them, but remind them to be responsible. Some moments I feel totally overwhelmed, and others I feel very calm, and convince myself not to stress at all. It's been quite a rollercoaster. I know many parents experience similar rollercoasters as their children grow up.
So last week, besides planning for a wedding, I had the opportunity to go to girls camp with my oldest daughter. It made for a very crazy week, but the time to just think, ponder, stretch, serve, and enjoy was a huge blessing amongst all the stressing and worrying and planning and preparing that I had been doing. I don't know how many opportunities will pop up for me to be invited as her leader to girls camp, so I figured I'd better not miss this one. (Which has its own beautiful lesson about seizing opportunities and making the most of them, which we are both grateful we did, despite a wedding happening at our home 2 days after we got back.)
While I was there, I did a morning yoga class with my daughter. I am not a yoga"regular", but I have done it a few times before, (my sister first taught my children and I a mini yoga class) and I enjoy the strengthening and stretching, so we decided to go for it. And my soul needed it. Our instructor did such a great job of talking us through the emotional and spiritual side of yoga, besides the physical aspects of finding balance. Push and pull. Tighten this while relaxing that. Find tension and release it, etc. Thinking about emotions in balance, I had a HUGE epiphany, which I REALLY needed. I had been feeling like I was broken, stuck in this bizarre swirl of emotions: immersed in a tornado I couldn't escape. Taking a few minutes to stretch and ponder, to feel gratitude, to open myself up to all the things I needed to learn from the trees and the grass and the world around me, I realized that I'm not broken and I'm not breaking; I'm growing. Like a tree in wind, my roots are growing deeper, my limbs stronger. Did you know that trees and plants actually grow stronger and better because of wind? When they grew plants and trees in the biosphere, they found that they were too weak from lack of wind. (You can read about it here.
The Role of Wind in a Tree's Life)
Trees grow slowly over time, but they have cycles of rapid and slower growth (which is what forms the rings in their trunks, actually.) As I opened up my heart, I realized I am currently in a period of rapid growth. So are my son and his new wife. Growth can be stressful and it is often hard and painful, but growing is what life does. I don't need to feel like all these emotions are breaking me, or like I'm somehow less than my whole self because I'm experiencing so many emotions so often. I just need to keep trying to find my balance, find my push and pull, allow myself to hurt and rejoice all at the same time, to feel skeptical and hopeful and resilient and fragile and overwhelmed but also like I got this with God on my side. And I'll grow. And I don't really have control over whether they'll choose to grow or not, but I do hope they'll choose to grow. Because I know that, for me, feeling like I'm growing feels WAY better than feeling like I'm broken.
Watching my daughter grow and try new things at girls camp was so awesome. It was hard growth for her because it took her away from her comfort zone (even though I was there, she got pretty homesick. Covid has not done my children any favors on being comfortable away from their home space.) But she stuck it out, and she ended up having a wonderful experience and feeling that connection with people and nature, finding new skills and hobbies and I'm so glad I got to be there to share it with her. (On their turns, they each got to fire 4 arrows. This turn, she was delighted that 4/4 hit the target and one nearly in the center.)
Listening to my son and his bride share their vows was a special experience I'm glad I got to witness. I hadn't shared on social media, because I wasn't prepared to deal with the conflicting emotions I knew I'd experience as friends and family sent me congratulations and also sent me "Wait, what is going on?" type messages. Realizing that the conflicting emotions are going to be tricky to balance, but are necessary for growth, I'm much more ready to share now. And if you have questions and want to reach out, go for it. I'll try to share openly and honestly. I am still working on finding my balance, so if I seem overly negative or too positive, know that I'm trying to figure it out, and I'm not there yet. As always, I'm a work in progress.
I won't forget how cute they were feeding each other cake, or grinning at each other as they danced.
I'm glad that her family has been so welcoming to our son. I hope she feels welcomed and loved by our family. I am excited to love and "take in" more family members. Of course I'm nervous for them, but I have learned from every person I have ever loved, and I'm excited to learn from these new people in my life, and hope for growth for all of us.
So GROW, everybody. GROW. If you're having a hard time with anything going on in your life, it's OK to feel all the feelings. Swirls of emotion help us grow, just like wind helps the trees. And growing is what we're all here to do anyway.
